January 17, 2014

Can anyone tell me why there isn't a forward-working DELETE key on most pop-up digital keyboards?

The Chuck E. Cheese restaurant chain was recently sold for about $950,000,000. Eat your heart out, Mickey Mouse; there's another rich rodent in town.

A commercial flight from Chicago to Branson, Missouri, landed at the wrong airport this week. The story turns out to be a little more serious than an inconvenience to the 129 passengers and a humorous "whoopsie" for me. Turns out the smaller runways at the municipal airport where the plane landed could have resulted in tragedy. Thankfully, due to the skills of the pilots (who have been suspended with pay), a bigger crisis was averted.

Google is working on a contact lens that may be able to test a person's blood glucose levels using their tears. If this works, diabetics may be able to stop pricking their fingers. Technology may be wonderful, but don't forget that the idea came from human inspiration.

Speaking of Google, a San Diego woman cited for speeding by a California Highway Patrol officer was also charged with distracted driving, because she was wearing a pair of Google glasses. However, since it could not be proven whether or not the glasses were on and impairing her view of the road, the charges were dropped. Again, technology may be wonderful, but human legislation has its flaws.

Last year, a Manhattan judge dismissed a wrongful death lawsuit filed after it took two hours for help to arrive after a woman's boyfriend called 911 when she collapsed on a street during a blizzard in December, 2010. The reason the lawsuit was tossed was that the unconscious woman was not the one who called 911. According to New York law, a negligence claim is only supported if the 911 call is made by either the victim or a relative. The same law may be used to dismiss another lawsuit filed by the parents of a 4-year-old girl who died after being run down by an unlicensed teenage driver being chased by police. Sometimes, the law's technicalities really bite.

The thought of revoking Justin Bieber's citizenship has been discussed this week after his latest unseemly act (egging a neighbor's house to the point of $20,000+ in damage). However, according to the law, it would take a violent crime to revoke citizenship, and although eggs are incredible and edible (remember that slogan?), they aren't violent enough to send Bieber back to Canada.

During a search for evidence in the Bieber egging case (conducted by 11 patrol cars, talk about a squad!), police arrested Bieber's roommate, Lil' Za, after finding drugs in Za's bedroom. While in police custody, Za was re-arrested (!) for smashing a telephone after making his one permitted phone call. Za has publicly suggested that he was arrested because he is black. But ironically, that same telephone was vandalized by Mel Gibson when he was arrested.

Lil' Za, Lil' Twist... why does Justin Bieber surround himself with lil' people?

And now, a message that may or may not be directed to anyone in particular:  I agree, the late Esther Rolle was a very handsome woman. But I can also see how some may think your statement that "Florida Evans was a brick... house" could be considered disrespectful. By the way, unless you're actually singing the song, you don't need to pause.

Agape' -- P

January 10, 2014

I'm watching a news program where the top 3 stories are Ricky Martin's breakup, Dennis Rodman returning to North Korea for an exhibition game, and Eliot Spitzer with a woman in a hot tub. It occurs to me that we never really appreciate a slow news day.

I wondered why I like hanging out with my friend Chuy; then it dawned on me that his name reminds me of cookies.

In this new era of political correctness and sensitivity, let me say that as a horizontally challenged person,  I'm personally offended when slightly bloated people compare the size of their bodies to a house. That's my thing!

Saturday Night Live has hired its first black female regular cast member, Sasheer Zamata.

I wonder who's happier, Sasheer, for becoming a trailblazer, Kenan Thompson, who can stop appearing in drag, or Oprah Winfrey and Michelle Obama, who can now be portrayed by someone without a Y chromosome.

She thought it would make her feel like a celebrity to have red carpet installed in her foyer; but every time she enters or leaves her house, there's Joan Rivers, criticizing her outfit.

So where would the art form of situation comedies be if there were no misunderstandings?

Another one of those studies reveals that cold-weather colleges are better than warm-weather colleges because of better fashions, comfort, and scenery. I feel like such an idiot; I thought you choose a college based on the quality of education.

The temperature in Hell, Indiana, dropped below freezing this week, prompting a lot of newscasters to report that hell officially froze over. Do you think someone named the town just to make that joke someday?

I realized recently that, although I've heard the expression a lot, I've never actually seen anyone come down with "the vapors." The sick thing is, now I kinda want to.

And now, a message that may or may not be directed to anyone in particular: the next time you serve a dinner with a Mexican theme but don't feel like making guacamole, your real friends won't mind. But don't stir red pepper flake into mashed green peas; you're not fooling anybody.

Agape' -- P

January 3, 2014

A growing number of retail stores are gathering shopper demographics using sophisticated technology — including mannequins with facial-recognition cameras hidden in their eyes. While some find this an invasion of privacy, others say that honest people with nothing to hide have nothing to worry about. I agree that brick and mortar stores are private property, and watching shoppers is within the merchant's rights — but merchants should at least warn shoppers that they're being watched and tracked.

Prior to Shia LaBeouf's New Year's skywritten apology to Daniel Clowes, the author whose story LaBouf admits he copied for his own short film, the film star posted several apologies via Twitter, borrowing quotes from well-documented apologies from Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg, film director Lars von Trier, and UK Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg. Plagiarism is one thing; committing plagiarism while apologizing for plagiarism takes extra nerve.

Learned from experience: when strangers greet you by asking, "How are you doing?", 9 times out of 10, it's rhetorical.

I'm not saying that this thought was inspired by any real life event that may or may not have actually happened, but it's a sad comment on this civilization when security personnel asks you to leave Walmart simply because you're smiling at people you don't know, hoping for a pleasant reaction. I'm just saying.

She got tired of watching other people work out on TV, so she joined a gym so she could watch other people work out in person.

A Chelsea, NY yoga studio says that their new nude coed yoga class is not intended to arouse anyone. Sounds like you won't see anything you like here. Not exactly a selling point.

Sales of adult diapers in Japan are increasing at such an alarming rate that the numbers are predicted to pass the number of sales of baby diapers in a few years. I'm not sure what this means, but it sounds ominous.

When you consider that beginning the year on January 1 was an arbitrary decision, don't all those resolutions, superstitions, and milestones based on New Year's seem like really wasted energy?

I also don't observe National Buffet Day on January 2. And to prove it, I consume all I can eat every day.

Did you know that medical personnel who decline flu shots for religious reasons are often permitted to do their jobs while wearing medical face masks? That option was not given to a 29-year-old Pennsylvania nurse who was fired because she declined the shot for fear that it would injure her unborn child. That's somewhat inconsistent, isn't it?

Agape' -- P

December 27, 2013

I play this video to remind women that they aren't powerless, and they can strike fear in the hearts of men.

She was crushed when she found out that he couldn't be trusted... but it hurt even more that he didn't care to regain her trust.

Cracker Barrel restaurants initially stopped selling Duck Dynasty merchandise in support of the backlash against cast member Phil Robertson's public statements against gay lifestyles. However, after only one day, they backpedalled on that decision because of outraged customers. Ironic, isn't it, that Robertson held fast to his position.

By the way, Robertson also made statements that were anti-black people. According to spokespeople from the A&E network, Robertson was taken off the air because his anti-gay stance were especially offensive to the numerous gay employees. Do they not have black employees? Or is that offense less of an issue? Or is that less news-worthy?

A 27-year-old man in Texas was playing "the knockout game". In this game, one uses his (or her) smartphone to record himself (or herself) approach a total stranger and try to knock the victim unconscious with one punch, then flee the scene. In this case, the Texan broke the jaw of a 78-year-old man, then, boasted about it as he showed the video to a fellow bar patron who, it turns out, was an off-duty police officer. Because his victim was black, the man faces federal charges for a hate crime, and can be sentenced to 10 years in prison. Another video on his smartphone showed him stating that black people "haven’t fully experienced the blessing of evolution." But apparently, he hadn't been blessed with kindness or good sense.

I am so impressed with the timing of public opinion. Have you noticed that the celebrities chosen to top the lists called "Most Beautiful" or "Sexiest" are usually celebrities with a film, TV show, book, or album to promote? How do they do it?

According to Victoria's Secret, the target consumer for their lingerie sales are men. In other startling news, water is still wet and ice is still cold.

Little North West celebrated her first holiday season with designer items from Hermes Paris, Michael Coste, Stella McCartney, and Guiseppe. And, at 6 months old, she was probably more interested in the packaging. 

Have you heard of the Ramen Burger? Patties made out of fried ramen noodles replace the bun on these beef burgers, and since its first sale in New York this past August, it has been compared to the Cronut as the next nation-sweeping food mashup. I haven't tried this yet; usually, lettuce is the only crunch I want in my burger. But you know how I am about food; I will try it just for you.

A woman in California admits that she can't compete with her neighbor's elaborate holiday decorations. While I don't celebrate, I found her solution pretty creative:


Agape' -- P

December 20, 2013

Legendary Chicago radio personaality Larry Lujack, who inspired some of today's popular broadcasters such as David Letterman and Rush Limbaugh, died of cancer this week at 73. I still remember listening to his morning show when I was growing up. Minneapolis-based Target Corp. admitted that approximately 40 million credit and debit card accounts may have been impacted by a security breach in its system, permitting unauthorized access to information on customers who made purchases in U.S. stores from November 27 to December 15. I can't remember the last time I was this happy about my negative credit score and inability to get a credit card. A 21-year-old California man who was caught driving a stolen pickup truck explained to police that he stole the truck in order to get to court on time; he was late for a hearing regarding earlier charges of stealing another car. Sometimes, consistency can be a bad thing. . For the second year in a row, a woman has assembled her Christmas lights on the roof of her Louisiana home into the shape of a hand flipping the bird. Last year, city officials asked that she take down the display, but the ACLU supported her right to reassemble it. The reason for the display? To offend a neighbor with whom she is feuding. Ironically, she doesn't even live in the house anymore. I would comment on the size of the chip on her shoulder, but I don't want to get on her bad side. Have you seen the commercials for yogurt that feature teenagers outwitting their parents when they swap the unhealthy snacks for Yoplait? I'm trying to figure out who their target audience is, since it seems unlikely that parents would enjoy being portrayed as clueless dupes. At least those commercials for Activia are clearly for the benefit of the chronically constipated. I like that kind of clarity. Speaking of which, have you seen this? The "squatty potty" is designed to position the user into a squatting position on the commode, which is supposed to increase elimination. After centuries of civilization, somebody finally figured out that those bears in the woods have been doing it right. I've wondered for years: what do you do when you desperately need a Clapper or a Chia Pet like, in April or May? Arts & Entertainment Television (A&E) has indefinitely suspended Duck Dynasty star Phil Robertson for making remarks criticizing homosexuality during an interview with GQ magazine. Robertson has repeatedly expressed his views during public appearances; what did they expect? I'll tell you what I didn't expect: to see this man  being featured in GQ magazine. I haven't read it in years, but I remember it being a magazine about mens' fashion. A 17-year-old North Texan young man was sentenced to 10 years probation for killing 4 pedestrians and injuring 2 others after stealing beer from a store, and driving drunk at 70 miles per hour (30 miles over the posted speed limit). Besides a blood alcohol reading of 3 times the legal limit when tested 3 hours after the accident, there were also traces of valium in his system. The young man, who was on probation months before for being caught with alcohol, avoided prison because his attorneys allegedly argued that his affluent upbringing did not teach him to connect his behavior with consequences. This defense, called affluenza, has met with a lot of debate and controversy. No kidding. Know the expression "take a long walk off a short pier?" Well, it actually happened: a Taiwanese woman touring Australia had to be rescued after walking off this pier   while checking her Facebook account on her smartphone. Thankfully, both she and her phone (which she held onto throughout the ordeal) survived unscathed. Agape' -- P

December 13, 2013

We'll never get to thinking in terms of we and our as long as we keep thinking in terms of us versus them.

Now that President Obama was seen taking a selfie with the British and Danish prime ministers (during Nelson Mandela's memorial service), does that mean selfies are no longer obnoxious?

I like to study trivia so that when people sarcastically say to me, "Tell me something I don't know", I can do just that.

16 weeks ago, Pattrick McConlogue, a 23-year-old computer programmer, offered Leo Grand, a homeless man, a deal: $100 cash, or programming lessons for one hour each day on a laptop computer. Leo chose the lessons. The result? A mobile app called Trees for Cars, which connects carpoolers to share rides. McConlogue has relinquished his share in the profits, so all the money goes to Leo. Some say McConlogue should've just given him the money, but on the Google Play store alone, the app has been purchased over 500 (the app is also available on Itunes). Also, Leo has learned enough to develop more apps. I'd say he picked the right door, wouldn't you? Talk about "teach a man to fish."

Electrician Chris Gillott started a trend by using the lights in the Blue Cross/Blue Shield building to pay tribute to Walter Payton when he died 14 years ago. The custom has been repeated many times over the years to commemorate several things, including the national soccer team, pay tribute to Martin Luther King Jr. and breast cancer awareness. When Gillott died last week, the custom was once again used in tribute to him.

Thamsanqa Jantjie, the sign language interpreter employed during Nelson Mandela's memorial service attributes his failure to correctly translate what was being said to hallucinations caused by his chronic schizophrenia. I know this is terribly insensitive, but when I think of the fact that this man continued making those senseless gestures (called nonsense and jibberish), and nobody stopped him, I burst out laughing.

My favorite quote this week goes to Sofia Vergara, who was nominated again for the Golden Globes, but was passed over for a SAG awards nomination: "My Golden Globes are still going strong! That's why I don't sag."

Have you noticed that more medications are listing suicidal thoughts among their side effects? How is this acceptable? I bet they wouldn't be able to list homicidal thoughts among their side effects.

The only time I'm slightly bothered by my shellfish allergy is when I see a particular loved one have a rather orgasmic reaction to her first bite of either lobster or crab cakes. I don't quite know what that says about her, but it is something to see.

The advice "Be true to yourself" seems very incomplete. Would you say that to a violent racist?

Agape' -- P

December 6, 2013

95-year-old South African president Nelson Mandela died Thursday, ironically,  the same day that Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom, a film about his life, premiered in London. The fact that mortality affects even beloved, charismatic men is always sobering.

A portion of profits from the sale of Fast and the Furious 6 will be donated to a charity founded by Paul Walker, a star of the franchise, who was killed in a horrific car crash last Saturday. Tin a taped interview that brought tears to my eyes, his grieving father disputed allegations that his son, a racing enthusiast, advocated street racing. Since Walker was actually a passenger in the car, I find those allegations in really poor taste. Meanwhile, two men were arrested allegedly Thursday for stealing pieces of the wreckage as it was being towed away. Unbelieveable.

Someday, I'd like to meet someone who stuffs pimentoes into olives for a living; I'd like to know what they dream about. I'd also like to know why I never see pimentoes in black olives, because those are the ones I like.

Reactions are mixed regarding whether singer Joe Jonas was right to include the names of Miley Cyrus and Demi Lovato during his recent admissions regarding marijuana use and losing his virginity. On this issue, after trying really, really hard... I don't think I could care less.

A woman who worked in a Georgia Wendy's was arrested and fired after admitting that she left half a smoked marijuana cigarette on a burger that she served a customer. Along with paying her medical bills, Wendy's has also given the customer a $50 gift certificate for a future meal. I don't know; I would've held out for a gift card for Burger King, where I could have it my way.

Families at a Tampa, Florida movie theater received a shock recently when, instead of the Disney film they were expecting to see, Frozen, was replaced with an explicit clip from an NC-17 film. One parent was quoted as saying there weren't enough hands to cover the eyes and ears of all the children in the audience. Whether this was an accident or a prank, I think Netflix should use this to promote their service. This never happens there.

And now from the get-ready-to-vomit department: Sydney Leathers, the woman named in the Anthony Weiner sexting scandal, is really working on her 15 minutes of fame. She's undergoing a labiaplasty to have excess skin removed from a private part of her anatomy (yes, there), and planning to auction the removed skin on the Internet. Someone sure thinks a lot of her self-worth, huh?

Let's hear it for the ones who go on caring even where they're the only ones doing it.

It's scenes like this that make me love the WGN Morning news team, even though I don't think my ego could handle being interviewed by them.

Never underestimate the value of a little downtime; I like to think of it as pressing my personal RESET button.

Agape' -- P