Friday, June 28, 2013

June 28, 2013

Congratulations, Chicago Blackhawks, who won the Stanley Cup this past Monday! It took a mere 17 seconds for the Hawks to score two goals, taking the lead, game, and championship from the Boston Bruins.

According to a spokesman for new parents Kimye (who, by the way, are now engaged), the couple's decision to name the baby North was inspirational, because North represents higher ground. Uh huh.

Speaking of North West, Kim Kardashian gave pictures of a different baby to people she trusted, and sure enough, someone sold the picture to TMZ. But you can get a look at the real North West in this picture.

Just a reminder for Nik Wallenda, who crossed  a 1,400 foot gorge at the Grand Canyon on a tightrope 1,500 feet above ground, and was heard praying the entire time: although you are a member of the famous Flying Wallendas family, sometimes the answer to a prayer is no.

The Food Network, Walmart, Target, Smithfield Hams, and Caesars Entertainment are cutting ties with Paula Deen after she, during a racial discrimination lawsuit filed against her, admitted to repeated use of a racial slur (n*gg*r) 27 (!) years ago, and suggested an "old-fashioned plantation" wedding for her brother Bubba in 2007. Personally, I don"t know that Ms. Deen hates people of color, but at the very least, she  demonstrated a fondness for a culture that definitely disrespects us. This proves two things: (1) Racism is not always motivated by hate, and (2) butter is definitely not brain food.

It perfectly demonstrates the ability of the populace to be confused that a spokeswoman for Al Sharpton felt the need to release a statement that Sharpton wasn't defending Paula Deen by simply suggesting that she shouldn't be castigated solely on behavior that is 27 years old.

A French mother faces up to 3 years incarceration for posing as her teen aged daughter to take the girl's college placement exam. The flaw in her plan was that the 50+ year old could not pass for 18. Who's the genius in this family?

Hey, Justin Bieber, you say you want to be taken seriously as an artist? Then stop getting high before posting videos on Instagram and get rid of that car.

In the central Mexican state of Hidalgo, there is an amusement park attraction that simulates illegal border crossing into the U.S., complete with a three hour, seven mile hike that includes climbing over fences and trying to steer clear of barking dogs, flashlight beams and other obstructions in an effort to elude fake border patrol officers. The experience, which costs about $20 per person, is designed to discourage people from actually crossing the border. However, at the end of the experience, you're down $20, and you're still in Mexico.

 Does it disturb anyone that major cultural decisions are based on the opinions on a majority that has to be told not to text and drive?

Agape' -- P

Friday, June 21, 2013

June 21, 2013

I always get a kick out of news taglines that say, "This is the story everyone's talking about," and in reality, nobody's talking about it. Guess I'm just twisted like that.

Kim Kardashian gave birth to a baby girl last Saturday. As we were forewarned, she and her babydaddy Kanye West announced that they're naming their daughter North (get it,  North West?). That means either they aren't reading this blog, or couldn't care less about my opinion. Oh, well...

I actually felt sorry for Miss Utah, whose stammering flub during the question portion of this week's Miss USA pageant has made her the butt of a lot of jokes. Hey, it's not easy to be pretty and articulate at the same time; I barely manage to pull it off myself.

James Franco, who is reportedly worth 20 million dollars, is offering small roles, executive producer credits, and dinner with him to anyone offering certain amounts of donations to an indie film trilogy project based on his book Palo Alto. In other words, those organizations collecting donations to fight disease, homelessness, and famine can all wait, right?

People have claimed to see the image of Jesus Christ  in water stains and toast patterns; now, someone claims that they've seen his image on a dog's behind. Really. how bored (or drunk or high) does one have to be to stare at your dog's behind long enough to start thinking, "Hey, that looks like Jesus!"

While going through security at an airport in Turkey, a young mother accidentally handed the official a toy passport addressed to a unicorn instead of the actual passport for her 9-year-old little girl. The customs official stamped the passport, and let them through. I don't think there's any resemblance; do you?

Ever get a song stuck in your head, but you don't want to admit you like it? The fear of that happenig is one reason I refuse to listen to Justin Bieber.

We have to come up with a better term for explaining the opposite side of a dispute; I refuse to refer to myself as a devil's advocate.

When I was growing up, one adult told me that thunder was the sound of angels bowling; another told me it was the devil beating his wife. I wish I could have given them both copies of my science textbook.

There was a time when an apology included the words, "I'm sorry." Then, people redefined an apology with the words, "My bad." Now, people don't even acknowledge doing something wrong. Is that what's known as progress?

Agape' -- P

Friday, June 14, 2013

June 14, 2013

Kudos to Jo Frost, TV's Supernanny, who has demonstrated that growing up in a family can teach you about family without starting a family of your own.

As smarmy as this sounds, I'm commenting on the cosmetic procedure that George Clooney has repeatedly joked about (which turns out, is a real thing) for two reasons: (1) it's so absurd, it screams for me to opine on it, and (2) I have chosen not to comment on Michael Douglas' claim as to how he got throat cancer (notice how I cleverly did that?). Here is my comment: nobody's body is so perfect that that area is a cosmetic priority.

A thought occurred to me while watching a rerun of The Jeffersons: do you think George Jefferson hated pandas as much as he hated zebras?

 Two news items from last week: (1) a New York soccer mom was arrested for owning and maintaining a warehouse housing $3,000,000 worth of marijuana plants when she paid an understandably huge electric bill with cash, and (2) a North Carolina postal worker who'd collected disability payments for years because of a shoulder injury was arrested for fraud after twice spinning the big wheel on The Price is Right. News stories about criminals sure are funny when their own boneheaded moves get them caught.

A woman who overheard a fellow commuter train passenger (whom she did not know) bragging about his extramarital affair took his picture with her cellphone, and posted it on Facebook in hopes that his wife would see it. I'm neither condoning his adultery nor criticizing the stupidity of bragging about such a thing in public, but I am hoping that he and his wife don't have children who'll be scarred by this exposure.

Fixing a hamburger is no more difficult than fixing a grilled cheese sandwich. So how come I'd order a hamburger in a restaurant, but not a grilled cheese? Yes, I've actually wondered about that

A judge rescinded her decision to accept Chad Johnson's community service ruling for violating probation and sentenced him to 30 days in jail because Johnson, when asked by the judge if he appreciated his attorney's efforts, gave his attorney a pat on the behind. Was it overkill at taxpayers' expense, or demanding respect for judicial authority? People are divided on the issue. But don't be surprised if that judge gets her own TV show out of this.

Was watching contestants on the TV game show Wipeout when I started wondering if the show owes its success to Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern from Home Alone, or Wile E Coyote from Road Runner cartoons.

Am I the only one who thinks the fertility statue of Kim Kardashian looks like the dancing baby hologram from Ally McBeal?

Even though it's the year 2013, and they're outdated and underwear-like, I think it's an outrageous slap in the face that Superman is no longer wearing his red shorts. There. I said it.

Agape' -- P

Friday, June 7, 2013

June 7, 2013

Today is National Doughnut Day, and I've been hit with an incredible craving for an apple fritter. For once, my timing is perfect!

With all the problems plaguing the world today, who has time (and the nerve) to be upset about an interracial family enjoying a bowl of Cheerios?

Canadian pop star Justin Bieber is scheduled to go into outer space as part of Richard Branson's commercial space flight program. How much do you think Branson would charge to leave him there?

Cowboy Troy, Darius Rucker, and Nelly appeared at this week's Country Music Association awards. Has anyone thanked Charley Pride for years of pioneering efforts to make this possible?

A 66-year-old Hong Kong man consulting a doctor about his swollen abdomen was recently diagnosed with Turner Syndrome, a chromosomal abnormality, and congenital adrenal hyperplasis that increases male hormones (which caused him to grow both a beard and a "micropenis"). Therefore, he is biologically a woman (isn't this around the time you'd expect the doctor to say "You've been punked!"?). The condition affects 1 out of 3,000 women, and has only been reported 6 times in medical history. The patient has decided to continue living as a man, taking hormonal supplements, making more money, and getting cranky once a month.

Conrad Murray, the doctor in prison for the death of Michael Jackson, has reportedly tried to reach out to Michael's daughter Paris, who allegedly attempted suicide this week. Now that's what I call a bad idea.

It's kind of sad that there are people who don't understand the therapeutic benefits of an ice cream sundae.

The 84-year-old woman who won the $590,000,000 Powerball lottery jackpot sent a thank-you message to the woman who allowed her to step ahead of her in line. Wasn't that nice?

Due to a scoring error in the Miss Universe Canada 2013 contest, the second runner-up was mistakenly crowned as the winner. To apologize for the mishap, the second runner-up was invited to join the actual winner on tour and at public appearances. But don't you feel sorry for the first runner-up?

The newest fitness (and Internet) craze is an aerobic exercise called Prancersize. I'm not fat enough to go this far.

Agape' -- P