Friday, May 31, 2013

May 31, 2013

I know that the endorphins that come from a really hard workout are incredibly pleasing, but you have to admit: so are Dairy Queen Blizzards.

Okay, here’s something sad: you know those AT&T commercials where the adult is talking to a quartet of children? One little girl wishes her brother was a puppy, and another would like to be a turtle. Those are some of the most fascinating conversations I've heard all week.

Does anyone know why they sell doughnut holes, but not bagel holes?

One study released this week reveals that, because of frequently checking smartphones for text messages and surfing the internet, people are making less eye contact with each other than ever. The only people I imagine benefiting from this are really ugly people.

Virginia police called on a white man after a Walmart security guard called them when the man left the store with three black children, unaware that they were the biological children of him and his wife of 10 years, a black woman. The security guard said that he called police because “it just didn’t look right.” I suspect he's still saying that..

Is there anyone named Peaches who isn't a professional hair stylist? Like, maybe in corporate America?

A woman is suing a cosmetics company after she contracted herpes from a sample lipstick offered at a promotional booth at a Rihanna concert. Of course, the only headline that will sell papers will read: “Woman gets herpes at Rihanna Concert" or "Rihanna Gives Woman Herpes."

From the This-Is-Not-A-Joke desk: An expectant couple is flying to Hawaii so that a dolphin can assist during the birth of their child. Now that’s something they never did on Flipper.

Public outrage is responsible for the end of a New York City bus company's "Ghetto tours" program, which charged tourists $45 each for a sightseeing tour through an authentic city ghetto, including a stop at a food pantry, a visit to "Pickpocket Park", and a ride through a housing project. As horrifying an idea as this was, why pay $45 to go somewhere accessible by the local transit?

If you want me to become an early bird, you have to promise me something other than worms.

Agape' -- P

Friday, May 24, 2013

May 24, 2013

A true Christian doesn't just believe in Christ, but follows him.

The issue with majority rule is that it assumes the majority is always right.

A painting featuring the late Bea Arthur sold for $1,900,000 last week. What's fascinating about this is not that the picture featured her topless, but that Ms. Arthur never posed for it; the image came from the artist's imagination. So then there isn't Maude.

The Chicago Board of Education voted this week to shut down 50 Chicago public schools. Meanwhile, David Karp, the  26-year-old founder of the Tumblr blogging platform, a Bronx high school dropout, sold his company to Yahoo! this week for $1,900.000.000 (that's enough for 100 Bea Arthur nudes!). Coincidence? Of course. Ironic? Yep.

Police were called to a Denver Starbucks when an altercation began after a couple changed the diaper on their one-year-old son in the seating area, because there was no changing table in the restroom. This has sparkd a controversy as people debate what would have been an appropriate thing to do; yet another debate that began with a dump.

Even a person who is disrespected is not a person who is disregarded.

Maury Povich recently celebrated the 2,500th episode of The Maury Povich Show. That's a lot of DNA and polygraph tests. Meanwhile, The Jeff Probst Show, which highlighted inspirational stories of people surviving tragedies and turning their lives around, has been cancelled for low ratings. But don't despair: the Kardashians, Honey Boo Boo, and Real Housewives are still on TV.

Considering that the definition of celebrity has expanded to include reality stars and sex tape participants, I can sympathize with performers who no longer want to be labeled as celebrities. But would Kanye, Beyonce, and Bieber really rather be obscure and broke? Because that can be arranged.

A mother in Utah made her fourth grader wear clothes from a thrift store to school for two days after learning the child had been relentlessly teasing a classmate about her clothes for three weeks. While this was a creative way to teach her daughter a lesson; I hope the child isn't learning that used clothing is punishment.

I was watching a game of Beer Pong when I realized how similar it is to Bozo's Circus' Grand Prize Game. It makes me wonder how many other childhood games I'd still be playing if we added beer.

Agape' -- P

Friday, May 17, 2013

May 17, 2013

Last week, I posted news about a river guide who was swallowed then regurgitated alive by a hippopotamus. I did not know at the time that the attack occurred 17 years ago, but made news last week because the victim was finally sharing his story with the press. I apologize for being unclear last week, and no, this does not count as one of this week's thoughts:

A clear sign that you need time away from the people around you: eyes strained from rolling.

Do you think a lot of the current issues plaguing the world would be solved if they'd just consult the guys at the barber shop?

One reason to start journalling: to identify what events led to the moment you snapped.

Kanye West lost his temper with a paparazzi photog after he (Kanye) walked into a street sign while walking with girlfriend Kim Kardashian. Kanye says he collided with the sign (which read "Wrong Way"; how's that for irony?) because he was keeping his head down to avoid another photog. Nice job, guy.

From the "Now I've Heard Everything" desk: There is a movement to have 19-year-old Boston marathon bombing suspect  Dzhokhar Tsarnaev released from federal custody. A significant number of Twitter followers of the #freejihar movement have posted tweets indicating that Tsarnaev is "too beautiful" to be a terrorist.

I'm very impressed with Angelina Jolie, who revealed this week that she had a double mastectomy to avoid breast cancer after a test revealed she had a genetic probability of 87% for the disease. What a powerful way to take control of her medical future. And, as a testament to modern advances in medicine, while dealing with this these past several months, she continued to make public appearances, and no one culd tell.

The New York Post is reporting on a new trend among wealthy Manhattan attendees at amusement parks: hiring wheelchair-bound patrons to pose as family members to help them get moved to the head of long waiting lines. These "black market guides" can earn more than $130 per hour for this service. According to one commentator, this is an ingenious way to give employment to the disabled.

An American Airlines flight from Los Angeles to NewYork made an emergency stop in Kansas City to take a passenger into custody because she would not stop singing Whitney Houston's I Will Always Love You. I haven't decided if this is just a very bizarre story, or a big posthumous diss to the late diva. One thing that's clear: they will not always love her.

A Jupiter, Florida man accidentally shot himself in the leg at a bowling alley when he swung his bowling ball, and bumped the revolver in his pocket, once again proving that exercise can be dangerous.

Some of us really work hard to make it all about ourselves. Are you really affected if your brother's girlfriend's uncle's plumber's neighbor won the lottery?

Agape' -- P

Friday, May 10, 2013

May 10, 2013

Someone just said to me that people are too busy these days to be courteous. That'a so sad.

A 105-year-old woman credits her longevity to eating bacon. Does anyone know if she's single? Because we might be able to make this work.

Have you seen those TV commercials for Swiffer where the old broom, mop, and feather duster find love with the old, broken down items in the attic or the garage, while the Isley Brothers' "Who's That Lady?" plays in the background? Finally, something creepier than that talking E-trade baby.

Professional cuddlers Jackie Samuels and Kitty Mansfield charge between $300 and $500 per day to spend the night cuddling with their clients. By definition, this is not prostitution, as cuddling is all they promise to do. Meanwhile, lifesize teddy bears range in price between $80 and $200. Look for bargains, people!

You learn a lot from nursery rhymes: Itsy Bitsy Spider teaches us about resilience and perseverance; Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star reminds us of the vast, unexplored universe around us, and Rock-a-bye Baby warns us against suspending cradles in tall trees.

Honey Boo Boo's mother, Mama June, married her boyfriend Sugar Bear, in a backyard ceremony, recorded for the family's reality show. The bride's colors were orange and camouflage, while the guests were asked to wear "redneck attire". I suspect they waited until after Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon's DisneyLand vow repeat last week so that their ideas wouldn't be stolen. Meanwhile, I hope this doesn't mean Sugar Bear (a/k/a Mr. Mama Boo Boo) will give up his career promoting Post Golden Crisp cereal.

Two incredible stories of survival were in the news this week: three women, who'd all been kidnapped and held captive in a Cleveland home for the past 10 years, were rescued; a river guide was swallowed whole by a two-ton hippo in Africa, then regurgitated alive by the animal. This kind of survival says a lot about perspective, doesn't it?

Not only did Charles Ramsey, the neighbor who helped the three Cleveland captives, give a hilarious interview (the words "dead giveaway" will have me laughing for days), but he promptly insisted that any promised reward money, reportedly numbering into the thousands, be given to the three victims, because he already has a job. And the restaurant where he works is selling "Cleveland's Hero" tee-shirts with Ramsey's face on them, to raise even more money for the victims. Now that's class.

By the way, because Charles Ramsey mentioned that the rescue of the Cleveland captives interrupted his McDonald's takeout meal, representatives of the fast food chain tweeted him a promise that "they'd be in touch". Maybe he could do for McD's what Jared did for Subway? Land of opportunity, people.

Here's a sobering thought: one of the men charged with kidnapping and imprisoning the three women in Cleveland is a school bus driver. You don't have to be a parent to find that scary.

Agape' -- P

Friday, May 3, 2013

May 3, 2013

I know I'm officially unhip, because I think twerking makes you look like you're having a seizure on a toilet... without the toilet.

A New Hampshire man is accusing carnival owners of rigging a game when he, after losing $300 trying to win an Xbox Kinect, went home to get his life savings ($2300!), and lost it as well. I haven't decided what makes me sadder, that news footage shows he has a toddler to support, that he did win a man-sized stuffed banana with dreadlocks, or that he could have bought an Xbox Kinect for about $250.

In case you have not heard the news, Washington Wizards center Jason Collins set the world on its ear this week with the announcement that he is indeed black.

I tried again this week, but I still haven't been able to eat pudding without smiling. I haven't given up, though; I will keep trying, just for all of you, and the pursuit of science.

The president of McDonald's reports that the fast food chain is exploring the feasibility of making the breakfast menu available all day. While I'm in favor of that, I'd be more impressed if they would find a way to have my order ready so that I don't have to leave the drive-thru and wait.

I don't do holidays, but I sometimes wonder if July 4 is as big a deal in Mexico as Cinco de Mayo is in the U.S.

I guess you're never too old to learn. I discovered this week that I've been misspelling Albuquerque for years. Thankfully, I haven't used it much.

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon have been getting criticized for renewing their vows in a lavish Disneyland ceremony to celebrate their fifth wedding anniversary. Having never been married, even I know it's a rookie mistake, setting the bar so high this early in a marriage. But what I don't get is, if they could spend $200,000 on this celebration, couldn't they have hired a DJ, instead of the groom having to do it himself?

There are times when I think a pinata full of anti-depressants would be a great gift.

I think more people would have dogs if they could all be trained to do this.

Agape' -- P