Friday, July 4, 2014

July 4, 2014

Sometimes, I think the fact that the end does not justify the means is used as an excuse to be reckless. A squirrel that gets run over is just as dead whether he was killed by accident or on purpose.

Do you find it disturbing that people often mention honesty as if it was the exception instead of the rule? It's not uncommon for people to preface comments with, "To be honest with you," or "Truthfully," or "I'm telling you the truth."

I have to admit, every time I hear about Hurricane Arthur, I picture an angry, bitter nerd who wants to get revenge on the bigger, more powerful storms that made fun of him.

Just after proposing to his girlfriend, Nathan's Hot Dogs eating champ Joey Chestnut ate 61 hot dogs in 10 minutes to win his eighth championship. Congratulations, Joey. Oh, by the way, she said yes!

The police in Casselberry, Florida, didn't have to work too hard to catch the two twenty-somethings accused of breaking into, and burglarizing, parked cars at a condo complex; the pair were found sleeping in their car parked at the scene of the crime, with the stolen goods in the trunk. I guess no one told them about the importance of the getaway?

Note to the scientists who recently announced that social media is to blame for an increase in infidelity: Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram are not responsible for infidelity; people who cheat with people they contact trough Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram are responsible for infidelity.

According to one of (!) his Hollywood agents, alleged gangbanger Jeremy Meeks, whose mug shot went viral and captured a staggering amount of media hype, reports that Meeks has accepted a modeling contract were premature and incorrect. While a contract was indeed offered, Meeks' management people (!) are reportedly hoping to get him into reality TV. Why am I not surprised?

A Washington pet store owner has promised to eat nothing but dog, cat, and bird food for a month to prove that pet food is as nutritious as food for humans. While I admire her conviction to prove her point, that is just crazy!

Note to Shia LeBouf: not every publicity is good publicity. Ask Robin Thicke.

Note that may be meant for someone in particular: I know people think that a flashy car means you're over-compensating, but no, I don't think that assumption works in reverse just because your car's a piece of junk.

Agape' -- P

Friday, June 27, 2014

June 27, 2014

People are divided over whether ot not Kanye West teaching a college course in fashion should qualify as community service sentence for attacking a paparazzo last year. I'm just worried that unemployed dedicated teachers will thus be inspired to attack people in public in an effort to get hired.

Am I the only one who gets a kick out of not hearing anything about the latest book/movie/album/TV show that "everybody's talking about"?

Contestants in the Miss America pageant are required to be between 17 and 24 years of age. However, age is the reported reason that Amanda Longacre, 24, who won the title of Miss Delaware, was stripped of her title and replaced with runner-up Brittany Lewis, who is also 24. The difference is that Longacre's 25th birthday is only one month after the Miss America competition in September. Okay, the rule isn't new, and Longacre's birthday didn't change. Why didn't somebody say something before she won the crown? Chin up, Amanda; no offense to Miss Lewis, but a lot more people recognize the name Vanessa Williams than the name Suzette Charles (no offense, Miss Charles).

A number of critics are upset that Disney star Zendaya has been chosen to portray the late singer Aaliyah in a Lifetime biopic. The criticism is that Zendaya is not "black enough." Really? Why do people keep doing this?

 Why are people surprised by Don Johnson's statement that he will not watch his daughter play the lead in 50 Shades of Grey? I think it'd be a bigger story if he was looking forward to it.

House Speaker John Boehner says he plans to sue the president for misuse of power. My first question is: have people always been able to do this? Did any of the former administrations know?

The fire department in Tuebingen, Germany, had to rescue a 20-year-old American exchange student after the young man got stuck in a sculpture of a vagina ousisde the university clinic. Although no equipment was needed to extricate the student, it did take half an hour to pull him out. Who says no one appreciates art any more?

Jeremy Meeks, a/k/a "Hot Mugshot Guy", has been offered a modeling contract from a top Los Angeles modeling agency, based mostly on reaction to his mug shot on social media. Of course, the job will be waiting for him when he gets out of jail. I guess getting arrested can actually be a career move?

Note to Harrison Ford, 71, who broke his leg filming the new Star Wars epic, and Sylvester Stallone, 67, who's planning a fifth Rambo movie: who do you guys think you are? Betty White?

Now, a word that may or may not be intended for someone in particular: if love means never having to say you're sorry, maybe we'd have a better relationship if you hated me a little.

Agape' -- P

Friday, June 20, 2014

June 20, 2014

Growing up, listening to the American Top 40 Countdown, or watching Shaggy on Scooby Doo... is there anybody who didn't know and love the voice of Casey Kasem?

Every encounter with a stranger runs the risk of dealing with someone with a beautiful heart or dealing with a real jerk. The only thing you can control is which one you will be.

It's the story that won't go away: an angry but lucid voicemail that Donald Sterling left his wife's lawyer casts doubt on medical claims that he is incompetent. Could the claim, which enabled his wife to sell the L.A. Clippers, be trumped up because of his well-known and established racism?

A Texas mother faces charges of drunk driving after four of the six children, ages ranging from 8 to 14, fell off the roof and trunk of the Chevy Malibu she was driving. home from a community swimming pool. The woman, who allegedly had the kids ride on the roof and trunk of the car to keep the car's upholstery dry, was unaware of the ones who'd fallen, and had to be alerted by a passerby.

A burglar was caught by Yorkshire police after the victim discovered the thief's false teeth in his home. The burglar, a 38-year-old heroin addict, was so drunk when he broke into the man's home that he forgot he took out his teeth and set them down. Don't you hate leaving things behind?

It's a sign of viral madness: a mug shot of 30-year-old Jeffrey Meeks, posted on Facebook by police in Stockton, C.A., has drawn more than 5,000 ogling comments, 1,000 shares, and over 65,000 likes, including comments that the chiseled features and steel-blue eyes of the 30-year-old felon is too hot to be illegal. By the way, Meeks was arrested on one gang charge and five weapons charges. Call me shortsighted, but I wouldn't want to be that attractive in prison.

The 20th anniversary of the OJ Simpson trial was recentlyacknowledged, and it occurred to me that that trial was the beginning of reality TV voyuerism. I wonder how many Keeping Up With The Kardashians fans know that there was even a connection.

I disagree with the recent Pantene ad campaign that proposes that the overuse of the word "sorry" is a woman's issue. First, there are a lot of men who overuse the word, too. Second, isn't it disrespecting women when you suggest they'll respond to such obvious pandering? And third: what does this have to do with buying shampoo?

Note to Donald Trump, who recently said during an interview that he didn't want to have sex with Jennifer Lopez or Angelina Jolie: don't worry, I think they'll be okay with that.

Note that may be meant for someone in particular: I don't care how bad the mosquitoes are, having someone to scratch the bites on your back isn't a good enough reason to get married.

Agape' -- P

Friday, June 13, 2014

June 13, 2014

Another beloved inspiration is gone, with the death of 91-year-old veteran actress/activist Ruby Dee. She truly was a star.

Another frankenfood, like the Cronut, has emerged from an eatery in New York's West Village: the ramenrrito, a burrito stuffed with ramen noodles instead of rice. While these unconventional combinations sound interesting, is it merely coincidence that they've begun popping up at the same time that marijuana is legal?

Remember those mannequins people would keep in their cars so they could drive in the car pool lane while driving alone? I think I want to get one to hold my table when I'm dining alone and go to the restroom.

The literary equivalent of rubbing it in: someone talking about Kylie and Kendall Jenner's book while you're suffering from writer's block.

Of the only two people whose approval you need... Jehovah's and yours... yours is the less important.

I am by no means a Belieber, but I have to give him his props; calling a bath a baptism to get absolution for those racist videos was a stroke of publicity genius.

We are all shaped by our own circumstances and experiences. I listened to two people debating (and getting nowhere) about the value of fathers. One was a father, the other, a great-grandmother who'd been abandoned by her father. Both spoke with passion and conviction, and neither of them would concede. For all I know, they're still arguing. I had things to do.

I know that if life gives you lemons, you're supposed to make lemonade. But life didn't give me water and sugar.

The truck driver who started the chain reaction vehicle crash that injured Tracy Morgan and killed one of his fellow passengers says that reports that he'd gone 24 hours without sleep were fabricated, and the criminal charges against him for the accident are an attempt to make him a scapegoat because of Morgan's celebrity. Whether that is true or not, the issue raised is a valid one: immediate access to information, the inability to verify facts, and the court of public opinion can easily taint any investigation.

Note that may be meant for someone in particular: none of the neighbors believes that you're trying to spread holiday cheer in June, so take down all those lights, okay?

Agape' -- P

Friday, June 6, 2014

June 6, 2014

Today is National Doughnut Day! Hope you're out there dunking something.

Being an individual does not mean going against the grain just for the sake of doing so. There's nothing individual about that.

It made headlines this week when the Pope revealed to the world that children are not the same as pets. And you were there.

There are a number of people saying that the two recently-revealed videos of a 15-year-old Justin Bieber repeating a racist joke and repeatedly using the "n-word" singing a parody of one of his songs does not mean he's a racist, and won't hurt his career. In other words, Paula Deen, you probably would still be on top if you'd just taken it a bit further.

A Memphis bride is using social media to defend her decision to attach her four-week-old baby to the train of her wedding dress before dragging her down the aisle at her wedding. Is there no DCFS or CPS in Tennessee?

Casper Smart and Jennifer Lopez have announced that their recent separation is not connected to the rumors about him flirting openly with transgenders or transsexuals on Instagram. Further proof that his last name may just be coincidental.

Beloved Brady Bunch star Ann B Davis, 88, died Sunday, after falling and hitting her head at home. The show would not have been the same without Alice.

A 91-year-old woman from Charlotte, NC, not only completed the 26-mile Rock 'n' Roll San Diego marathon this past Sunday, but she broke the record for her age group, by finishing in 7 hours, 7 minutes, and 42 seconds. I am so happy for her, but when I subtract my age from her age, then realize there are grandparents whose age is less than the difference... I just feel like a slug.

Statistics say that the average woman earns 23 cents less for every dollar earned by the average man. I would be more sympathetic, but apparently, I'm below average.

Note that may be meant for someone in particular: thanks for sharing that comment about incontinent bears in the rapids. You have officially ruined chocolate waterfalls for me.

Agape' -- P

Friday, May 30, 2014

May 30, 2014

Ricky Martin was quoted as saying that he received so much support when he came out of the closet that he wishes he could do it all over again. Suggested translation? "I haven't been in the news for a while. Don't forget me."

I have doubts about a recent study that suggests intellectual people stay up late, and engage in recreational sex and drug use. If this was true, Mensa would be full of narcotics addicted insomniacs loaded down with STDs.

I was watching reruns of hit TV shows and wondering whatever happened to Kim Parsons, Joseph Marcell, Yvonne Strahovski, and David Hyde-Pierce. Then, I suddenly realized that Dancing With the Stars has the potential to go on indefinitely. Shudder.

This week, in a nursing home in China, 113-year-old Azatihan Sawuti married her boyfriend, 70-year-old Aimtl Ahemti  (what a cougar). There have been no announcements regarding whether the couple plans to start a family. Personally, I think they're trying to steal the thunder from Kim and Kanye.

Millions are mourning the death of poet Maya Angelou, who inspired so many people in her 86 years. She was one person who demonstrated the power of words.

Note to 50 Cent: Don't let people sweat you over that bad first pitch at last Tuesday's Mets game. The public were a lot rougher on Roseanne Barr, and everybody knew what her voice was like.

25-year-old Ukranian serial prankster Vitalii Sediuk was arrested last week after hitting Brad Pitt in the face at the premiere of the movie Maleficent. Sediuk's history of red carpet celebrity attacks includes trying to kiss Will Smith in 2012, crashing the stage at the 2013 Grammy Awards, burying his face in Bradley Cooper's crotch this past January, attempting to do the same to Leonardo DiCaprio in February, and shoving his head up America Ferrare's skirt in Cannes just last week. Will somebody tell this guy that there are more legal and less creepy ways to become famous these days? And how does he keep getting so close to these people?

Note to Gwyneth Paltrow: even of you truly believe the ridicule of celebrities on the Internet equates you to soldiers at war (really?), that was an opinion best kept to yourself. And the day after Memorial Day was the worst time to share it.

Note to Charlize Theron: even if you truly believe the press intrusion in the lives of celebrities equates you to the suffering of rape victims (really???)... see above note to Gwyneth Paltrow.

And now, a not that may be meant for someone in particular: yes, you have a right to wallow in self-pity. But those who really care about you have a right not to watch.

Agape' -- P

Friday, May 23, 2014

May 23, 2014

I wonder if the baby mamas, celebrity exes, and real housewives of the last century feel left out because there wasn't reality television around when they were relevant adjacent.

Have you ever noticed how often the concept of instinct is mentioned in retrospect?

The Krispy Kreme triple cheeseburger, to be unveiled at the upcoming San Diego County Fair, is basically three patties topped with cheese and sandwiched between two Krispy Kreme doughnuts. The dish is being offered by Chicken Charlie's, a California state fair staple that also sells deep fried Oreos and Klondike bars. The suggested companion defibrillator, however, costs extra.

Many think that it's abhorrent to put personal comfort ahead of the welfare of a friend... then they do it anyway.

A new study reveals that red wine contains cavity-fighting anti-microbial elements. The same elements can apparently be found in non-alcoholic grape seed oil, but in the words of one commentator: "Who cares?"

The next time a salesman tries to sell me something I neither want nor need, I'm going to tell him/her that I'm holding out for the upcoming new and improved model.

Daytime TV, stripper pole exercise classes, lawyers... a lot of industries owe a big thank you to free enterprise and the new "morality."

One of the unintentional benefits of social media is that no one has to work up the courage to ask anyone for their opinion.

There are mixed reactions to a California high school history teacher who posed for a picture in the school yearbook wearing a hoodie and holding a bag of Skittles candy, in what he called a political statement about the late Trayvon Martin. Some say he was just expressing himself, while some say it was inappropriate for the school yearbook. I just wonder if anyone will even remember his reason years from now.

Note that may be meant for someone in particular: I'm sorry that your fancy spring brunch had to end early. Next time, either hold it outdoors, or, if you insist on getting assistance from your fratboy son, ask him to slice the cheese.

Agape' -- P

Friday, May 16, 2014

May 16, 2014

I'm a little annoyed that Barbara Walters is retiring from television before she has had the chance to interview me, one of the most fascinating people she'd ever meet.

The wife of Donald Sterling, the disgraced owner of the L.A. Clippers, has suggested that his controversial remarks against Magic Johnson and other affluent black people, recently made during an interview with Anderson Cooper, may be attributed to dementia. I guess that explains why they'd let him be interviewed on television without a handler.

The real drama on this year's Billboard Music Awards will come later; sources say Robin Thicke will perform a new song, Get Her Back, as part of his effort to save his marriage to estranged wife Paula Patton. Will continuing to publicly expose his vulnerability do them any good? Maybe he should consult Tori Spelling, whose marital problems are currently the basis of her new reality show, True Tori.

A 34-year-old Texas woman has been arrested for posing as a 15-year-old student for nearly a year at a high school in Longview, Texas, while also working shifts at McDonald's, and dating a 23-year-old man who thought she was 18. She did, however, maintain good grades and was regarded as a well-behaved student. But Ii don't think she'll be attending the prom.

Ever since the attention garnered by the interracial family in the Cheerios ad campaign, have you noticed more, very subtle interracial couples in TV ads? Among them, I've seen a black man standing next to a white woman while grilling hot dogs with another couple, and a white man walking alongside a woman of color with her mixed-race children. Note that in both cases, the men had no lines, they were just background. Ah, times, they are a-changing.

Clay Aiken is officially the Democratic candidate for North Carolina Congress, since his opponent died this week. I guess that's one way to win.

A man collapsed while drinking at a bar in Chicago. While his companion called 911, another customer knelt beside the victim, offering to help... and picking his pocket. While an ambulance rushed the man (who turned out to be okay) to the hospital, the thief stole $100 from the wallet and used it to buy a round of drinks for everyone at the bar. A look at the surveillance tape exposed the thief, who now faces up to 5 years in prison. See? I always said drinking was dangerous.

I can't help but chuckle when people waste a lot of air explaining that they don't have the time or energy or interest in lending a hand that was never asked to help in the first pace.

Note to Solange Knowles: if elevator music makes you that crazy, just take the stairs.

And now, a message that may be directed to someone in particular: Orange Is the New Black is the name of a drama production, not any indication that your skintight sunshine colored jumpsuit is slimming. I'm sorry.

Agape' -- P

Friday, May 9, 2014

May 9, 2014

Just wondering: before she recently emerged from relative obscurity to make a statement that we should all move on from the scandal of her affair with the president over 10 years (and two administrations) ago, was anybody even thinking about Monica Lewinsky?

I was watching Gary Busey pretending (I hope) that he likes to talk to inanimate objects as part of an advertising for Kindle Fire TV, when I began to wonder, where would his career be if he hadn't had that brain injury?

With her recent plantation character bit on SNL, Leslie Jones joins a growing roster of comedians, including Gilbert Gottfried and Joan Rivers, who are proving that comedy is siubjective, and in today's social media, uber-sensitive culture, is under attack. But aren't there bigger things to worry about?

Isn't it ironic that Clay Aiken is running for Congress, when he didn't get enough votes to win American Idol?

I don't know how much money was spent on the research into social contagion, which recently revealed that friends of divorced people often end up divorced as well, but, apparently, they never heard the "birds of a feather" thing.

An inebriated twenty-something female passenger on a Virgin Atlantic flight from England to Las Vegas was so loud and offensive while with a stranger in the airplane lavatory that she had to be restrained in the seat next to her parents, who were also passengers, for the rest of the flight. I provide this story for people who disappoint their parents; who can now say to them: "See? I'm not the worst!"

An 8th grade schoolteacher in Southern California has come under fire after assigning his class to prove that the holocaust really occurred, and was not propaganda. But shouldn't a teacher encouraging students to establish facts and not drink the Kool-aid be appreciated?

There ave been several studies indicating that the blood transfusions from younger mice have helped reverse most effects of aging in older mice. However,the one glaring effect that could not be reversed? Death.

Note to Ben Affleck: sure, I'll play blackjack with you... but I'm leaving my wallet at home.

And now, a word that may be meant for someone in particular: no, I don't think a proper wedding toast should include the words: "A deal's a deal."

Agape' -- P

Friday, May 2, 2014

May 2, 2014

I'm not a bandwagon type. I have been mulling this over a while now. Although my decision puts me in the company with the Obamas, JayZ and Beyonce, I have to say I won't be attending the Kim/Kanye wedding.

Speaking of Kanye, he is reportedly releasing a 3-hour spoken word album which will feature his world views and feelings about life with Kim Kardashian and their baby North West. I finally have a legitimate reason to repeat this line I've heard in over a dozen movies: I got a bad feeling about this.

The English language is so complicated: the word pitiful means both someone who has pity, and (the definition more commonly used), someone who should be pitied (which is also the meaning of pitiable). The words inflammable and flammable mean the same thing, while the word invalid means the exact opposite of valid. I have a headache.

I was impressed with the gummy vitamin thing, until I realized more than one a day is bad for you. Now, when they come up with a daily dose as satisfying as a jumbo bag of jelly beans? I'm all over that!

I learned via Instagram that a friend of mine admires NBA-banned-for-life L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling. I won't be upset if you admire a racist. But don't announce it on Instagram, causing all my other friends to ask me about it. And don't bring one to my house. That's okay, right?

Some high-profile affluent people are expressing interest in buying the Clippers from Donald Sterling. The list includes Oprah Winfrey, Magic Johnson, Dr. Dre, and Floyd Mayweather. Some white millionaires have also expressed interest, but they barely made headlines.

A Texas middle-school teacher faces felony charges after allegedly giving a 15-year-old student a lap dance in front of the class on his birthday. Note to kids being home-schooled and hating it: it's stories like these that are louder to your parents than the sound of you complaining.

Look, my tongue is in my cheek again: I was going to make some joke speculating on the real reason Toronto mayor Bob Ford is taking a leave of absence, between a clinic that offers liposuction, or a lost weekend at a crack house. Then I found out that he is reportedly going into treatment for substance abuse. How dare he take steps to better himself and keep me from making fun of it.

Applies, strawberries, peaches, grapes, celery, spinach, cucumbers, nectarines, sweet bell peppers, cherry tomatoes, snap peas, and potatoes are all named on the annual report from the Environmental Working Group of dangerous foods testing positive for extreme pesticide residue. You see? This is why I eat more Twinkies than fruits and veggies.

And now, a word definitely meant for someone in particular: it's been a long time since our last hours-long Monday night chat, but now that you're going to be almost 500 miles away, I recall them vividly and fondly. Keep in touch, be happy, and you and your family will forever be part of my family. (Genesis 31:49)

Agape' -- P

Friday, April 25, 2014

April 25, 2014

Some people have expressed dissatisfaction that George Clooney was not included in People magazine's annual 50 Beautiful People issue. It doesn't bother me, because I was overlooked again, too.

Four words that no one wants to see on a restaurant or theatre invitation: "Keep an open mind."

I think it's hilarious that, the older I get, the less I care about people concerned with how old I get.

Memo to Jon Hamm: I agree, it's insulting that, despite all your hard work, people seem more interested in knowing whether or not you're wearing underwear. But lest you forget, this is a culture where releasing sex tapes is considered a career move.

Sometimes I'm glad I don't know everything that's going on; I just found out that 4/20 is annually observed by some weed enthusiasts who celebrate with over-indulgence. Of course, food enthusiasts have to hide their day of indulgence behind an annual commemoration of taking territory from native Americans. Where's the balance?

Tennessee police were searching a 19-year-old woman who had been arrested for driving without a license when they found a 4-inch loaded pistol hidden in her, um, lady parts (would you rather I call it a vajayjay?). I find the story fascinating; why did she keep it loaded? How was she planning to use it?

Granted, the story about the teenage runaway who stowed away in the wheel well of an airplane and flew from California to Hawaii is compelling. But in this day and age of terrorist threats, airline security, and TSA, this kind of news story just sounds like a challenge to certain people who don't need the inspiration.

I agree that Joan Rivers' joke about the three Cleveland kidnap victims ("that they got to live rent-free for a year") was insensitive. But I also understand why, as a comic, it would affect her image to apologize. For some, jokes about the story will always be "too soon."

It isn't fair, I know, but I'm not as worried about the reported shortage of limes as I was about last year's reported shortage of bacon.

And now, a word that may be meant for someone in particular: sure, some will respond favorably to pandering, but I'm insulted when you imply I won't patronize your establishment because you also serve someone who isn't like me.

Agape' -- P

Friday, April 18, 2014

April 18, 2014

The last 'milestone' birthday most people look forward to is the one where you can legally drunk. Coincidence? I think not.

A 14-year-old girl made news last week after tweeting a false terrorism threat to American Airlines using the handle @QueenDemetriax_. The prank led to thousands of copycat threats from other Twitter users, the girl's arrest, and national attention. It also provides a new measure of idiocy: there's stupid, and there's @QueenDemetriax_ stupid.

Memo to Nancy Grace: Owen Hart died in front of millions during a WWE live event, not from drug abuse. Google a man before you traumatize his family.

Memo to Kate Upton: I'm sorry you're unhappy with them, but to quote Teri Hatcher, I bet "they're real, and they're spectacular."

Memo to those who want it all: appreciating a glass that's half full doesn't mean you won't keep trying for a full glass, but half full beats empty every time.

Talented people should receive recognition for their hard work. But between the Oscars, the Grammies, the People's Choice, the AMA's, the MTV movie awards, et cetera, et cetera... is there really an award season anymore? Pretty soon, we'll have the 15th-week-of-the-year awards. Maybe it's a collaborative conspiracy between fashion designers and the people who weave and sell red carpets.

The one who should be agonizing over your misery is the one who caused it. So don't waste your time when you could be choosing the brighter side.

A photo of Kate Middleton wearing a new Diane von Furstenberg wrap dress went viral. Within minutes, stores sold out of it. In a similar story, an increase in sales of a Glacier Bay curved shower rod has been directly attributed to the trailer of a video soon to be released by Vivid Entertainment, featuring reality TV star Mimi Faust, whose bodyweight was impressively supported by said shower rod. I guess it pays to advertise.

An Italian woman three months into her fertility-clinic-implanted pregnancy was recently informed that she was accidentally implanted with embryos that belong to another client. I can't wait to see the review she posts on Yelp.

And now, a word that may or may not be meant for anyone in particular: I don't care if it is considered classic, you're too old to be calling strangers and asking if their refrigerator's running.

Agape' -- P

Friday, April 11, 2014

April 11, 2014

There! I said it: I know I'm getting old; I have fond memories of the days when you could like something without social media.

Actor Rob Lowe explained in a recent interview that beautiful people suffer from discrimination because of their appearance. I'm so glad someone is finally revealing what we go through.

A man is suing the New York nursing home where his mother lives, after a male exotic dancer performed there. During an interview with TMZ, the man repeatedly asserted that his mother is a black woman who suffered extreme emotional harm when the white male dancer performed standing over her, as evidenced by a photograph the man released to the press, showing his mother stuffing cash into the dancer's shorts. But the lawsuit is not about the $10,000,000 for which he is suing; it's about her dignity. Meanwhile, there is an unconfirmed report of a long waiting list for seniors who want to move into the hone.

No, it's not an SNL sketch: I was first creeped out by the video of the man practicing horse yoga, until I thought about how confusing this must be for horses who see it.

There have been reports of Smart cars being tipped over in the San Francisco area (I guess it's more humane than tipping cows). One way to avoid being victimized is not to leave your Smart car parked on the street; instead, take it inside with you.

Pro wrestler Jim Hellwig, 54, who legally changed his name to Warrior years ago, collapsed and died this week, only days after being inducted into World Wrestling Entertainment's Hall of Fame. There has been no correlation drawn between the two events, although it makes a sobering statement about reaching for your dreams.

Boston firefighters battling an eight-alarm blaze were hampered by an illegally parked BMW that blocked the nearby fire hydrant. They had no choice but to smash the car windows to thread their hose through the car to reach the hydrant. People may forget parking tickets, but I doubt the owner of this car will park illegally again.

It has been suggested that chimps who escaped from their enclosure at the Kansas City zoo by constructing a ladder from tree branches have proven an evolutionary link between primates and humans. I disagree. Those apes showed a lot more resourcefulness and energy than I would have.

A beekeeper in Southwest China spent 40 minutes with his body covered with more than 460,000 living bees, to promote his honey selling business. The "suit" of bees weighed 100 pounds, and he received more than 20 bee stings during the stunt. My advice? Dude, hire an ad agency.

And now, a word that may or may not be meant for anyone in particular: when you find yourself repeating the same stories, especially if most of the people in your story are dead, it's time to think about having new experiences and creating new stories.

Agape' -- P

Friday, April 4, 2014

April 4, 2014

One of the first steps on the road to relative happiness and contentment is forgetting how to whine.

Okay, I admit it: I laugh my head off watching videos of TV news bloopers. But at least I stopped checking the dictionary for cuss words.

It's not that I don't enjoy movies based on Bible stories (if they're accurate), but it's always a little sad when I hear someone wondering about the plot.

I take back what I said about missing Jamie Lee Curtis and Reba McEntire on those Activia commercials. I'd much rather watch Shakira's ribcage while she dances in a grass skirt.

Speaking of advertising, have you seen the campaign Taco Bell has for its new breakfast menu? They rounded up a bunch of guys named Ronald McDonald (there are some mean parents out there), and paid them to endorse it. That's brilliant! I bet the guys at Burger King wish they'd thought of that.

Toronto mayor Rob Ford said he didn't mean to vote against naming a street after Nelson Mandela, that he was stretching at the wrong moment. I know that's possible; remember that Dick Van Dyke Show episode where Rob accidentally bought that ugly painting at an auction?

Oh, look, my tongue is in my cheek again: while defending her decision to perform in porn films to finance her Duke University education, a young coed explained that she's doing what a lot of young girls do, just on camera and for money. In other words, "Yes, Mother, if all the other girls were jumping off a bridge, I would, too."

I'm okay with being alone with this opinion: whenever I hear Nelly's "Must be the Honey" jingle for Honey Nut Cheerios, I'm reminded of the disco music that played during the chase scenes on Chips... it's just wrong.

There! I said it: Over 8,000 fans of How I Met Your Mother have signed an online petition to coerce the producers to reshoot the series finale with a different ending. Look, it wasn't the ending I wanted, either, but come on, it's time to let go and move on.

And now, a word that may or may not be directed at someone specific: yes, it is much bigger than a bread box, and no, you can't touch it. Sorry.

Agape' -- P

Friday, March 28, 2014

March 28, 2014

 So, drunks are now referred to as overserved, and, according to Gwyneth Paltrow, a marital breakup is a conscious uncoupling. When will somebody come up with a politically correct term for fat guys?

A 33-year-old man in Tampa was caught on camera flipping off a woman he'd been tailgating on a rain-slicked Florida highway seconds before spinning off the road and into a light pole. Because no one was hurt, I'd like to just express this on behalf of patient drivers everywhere: ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Reportedly, 5% of Americans suffer from electromagnetic hypersensitivity (which is not nearly as sensational a name as WiFi allergy). A number of sufferers have settled in Green Bank, West Virginia,where WiFi is banned to prevent interference with telescopes. It is for people like this that snail male, land telephone lines, and printed newspapers still exist,

An 18-year-old Georgia man will face legal action of he can't return the $31,000 accidentally deposited into his account via a banking error that had gone undetected for 10 days. The problem is, during those 10 days, the young man spent $25,000 of the money.

According to designer Tommy Hilfiger, David Beckham is the underwear model of the century. Hey, Ragboy, we're only 14 years into the century. That gives me 86 years to change your mind.

Know how, in the movies, inmates just start drooling with revenge when the cop or district attorney who bested them gets thrown into the prison with them? When I heard about Judge Joe Brown's contempt of court arrest this week, that was all I could think about.

Thankfully, no one was fatally injured when a train operator fell asleep and drove a blue line train into Chicago's O'Hare airport. Otherwise, I couldn't tell this joke: What did the escalator say to the luggage carousel? "Excuse me, I have to catch a train."

How come when I hear that a movie, album, restaurant or TV show promoted as "the one everybody's talking about", usually, nobody I know is actually talking about it?

A teenage carjacker in Omaha who was out on bail is back in jail after getting caught trying to steal another car at gunpoint this week. What thwarted his plans? He couldn't drive a stick shift. See? Another reason to keep auto shop courses in the public school curriculum..

And now, a word that may or may not be directed at someone specific: maybe you haven't asked because you're afraid the right answer is no.

Agape' -- P