April 25, 2014

Some people have expressed dissatisfaction that George Clooney was not included in People magazine's annual 50 Beautiful People issue. It doesn't bother me, because I was overlooked again, too.

Four words that no one wants to see on a restaurant or theatre invitation: "Keep an open mind."

I think it's hilarious that, the older I get, the less I care about people concerned with how old I get.

Memo to Jon Hamm: I agree, it's insulting that, despite all your hard work, people seem more interested in knowing whether or not you're wearing underwear. But lest you forget, this is a culture where releasing sex tapes is considered a career move.

Sometimes I'm glad I don't know everything that's going on; I just found out that 4/20 is annually observed by some weed enthusiasts who celebrate with over-indulgence. Of course, food enthusiasts have to hide their day of indulgence behind an annual commemoration of taking territory from native Americans. Where's the balance?

Tennessee police were searching a 19-year-old woman who had been arrested for driving without a license when they found a 4-inch loaded pistol hidden in her, um, lady parts (would you rather I call it a vajayjay?). I find the story fascinating; why did she keep it loaded? How was she planning to use it?

Granted, the story about the teenage runaway who stowed away in the wheel well of an airplane and flew from California to Hawaii is compelling. But in this day and age of terrorist threats, airline security, and TSA, this kind of news story just sounds like a challenge to certain people who don't need the inspiration.

I agree that Joan Rivers' joke about the three Cleveland kidnap victims ("that they got to live rent-free for a year") was insensitive. But I also understand why, as a comic, it would affect her image to apologize. For some, jokes about the story will always be "too soon."

It isn't fair, I know, but I'm not as worried about the reported shortage of limes as I was about last year's reported shortage of bacon.

And now, a word that may be meant for someone in particular: sure, some will respond favorably to pandering, but I'm insulted when you imply I won't patronize your establishment because you also serve someone who isn't like me.

Agape' -- P

April 18, 2014

The last 'milestone' birthday most people look forward to is the one where you can legally drunk. Coincidence? I think not.

A 14-year-old girl made news last week after tweeting a false terrorism threat to American Airlines using the handle @QueenDemetriax_. The prank led to thousands of copycat threats from other Twitter users, the girl's arrest, and national attention. It also provides a new measure of idiocy: there's stupid, and there's @QueenDemetriax_ stupid.

Memo to Nancy Grace: Owen Hart died in front of millions during a WWE live event, not from drug abuse. Google a man before you traumatize his family.

Memo to Kate Upton: I'm sorry you're unhappy with them, but to quote Teri Hatcher, I bet "they're real, and they're spectacular."

Memo to those who want it all: appreciating a glass that's half full doesn't mean you won't keep trying for a full glass, but half full beats empty every time.

Talented people should receive recognition for their hard work. But between the Oscars, the Grammies, the People's Choice, the AMA's, the MTV movie awards, et cetera, et cetera... is there really an award season anymore? Pretty soon, we'll have the 15th-week-of-the-year awards. Maybe it's a collaborative conspiracy between fashion designers and the people who weave and sell red carpets.

The one who should be agonizing over your misery is the one who caused it. So don't waste your time when you could be choosing the brighter side.

A photo of Kate Middleton wearing a new Diane von Furstenberg wrap dress went viral. Within minutes, stores sold out of it. In a similar story, an increase in sales of a Glacier Bay curved shower rod has been directly attributed to the trailer of a video soon to be released by Vivid Entertainment, featuring reality TV star Mimi Faust, whose bodyweight was impressively supported by said shower rod. I guess it pays to advertise.

An Italian woman three months into her fertility-clinic-implanted pregnancy was recently informed that she was accidentally implanted with embryos that belong to another client. I can't wait to see the review she posts on Yelp.

And now, a word that may or may not be meant for anyone in particular: I don't care if it is considered classic, you're too old to be calling strangers and asking if their refrigerator's running.

Agape' -- P

April 11, 2014

There! I said it: I know I'm getting old; I have fond memories of the days when you could like something without social media.

Actor Rob Lowe explained in a recent interview that beautiful people suffer from discrimination because of their appearance. I'm so glad someone is finally revealing what we go through.

A man is suing the New York nursing home where his mother lives, after a male exotic dancer performed there. During an interview with TMZ, the man repeatedly asserted that his mother is a black woman who suffered extreme emotional harm when the white male dancer performed standing over her, as evidenced by a photograph the man released to the press, showing his mother stuffing cash into the dancer's shorts. But the lawsuit is not about the $10,000,000 for which he is suing; it's about her dignity. Meanwhile, there is an unconfirmed report of a long waiting list for seniors who want to move into the hone.

No, it's not an SNL sketch: I was first creeped out by the video of the man practicing horse yoga, until I thought about how confusing this must be for horses who see it.

There have been reports of Smart cars being tipped over in the San Francisco area (I guess it's more humane than tipping cows). One way to avoid being victimized is not to leave your Smart car parked on the street; instead, take it inside with you.

Pro wrestler Jim Hellwig, 54, who legally changed his name to Warrior years ago, collapsed and died this week, only days after being inducted into World Wrestling Entertainment's Hall of Fame. There has been no correlation drawn between the two events, although it makes a sobering statement about reaching for your dreams.

Boston firefighters battling an eight-alarm blaze were hampered by an illegally parked BMW that blocked the nearby fire hydrant. They had no choice but to smash the car windows to thread their hose through the car to reach the hydrant. People may forget parking tickets, but I doubt the owner of this car will park illegally again.

It has been suggested that chimps who escaped from their enclosure at the Kansas City zoo by constructing a ladder from tree branches have proven an evolutionary link between primates and humans. I disagree. Those apes showed a lot more resourcefulness and energy than I would have.

A beekeeper in Southwest China spent 40 minutes with his body covered with more than 460,000 living bees, to promote his honey selling business. The "suit" of bees weighed 100 pounds, and he received more than 20 bee stings during the stunt. My advice? Dude, hire an ad agency.

And now, a word that may or may not be meant for anyone in particular: when you find yourself repeating the same stories, especially if most of the people in your story are dead, it's time to think about having new experiences and creating new stories.

Agape' -- P

April 4, 2014

One of the first steps on the road to relative happiness and contentment is forgetting how to whine.

Okay, I admit it: I laugh my head off watching videos of TV news bloopers. But at least I stopped checking the dictionary for cuss words.

It's not that I don't enjoy movies based on Bible stories (if they're accurate), but it's always a little sad when I hear someone wondering about the plot.

I take back what I said about missing Jamie Lee Curtis and Reba McEntire on those Activia commercials. I'd much rather watch Shakira's ribcage while she dances in a grass skirt.

Speaking of advertising, have you seen the campaign Taco Bell has for its new breakfast menu? They rounded up a bunch of guys named Ronald McDonald (there are some mean parents out there), and paid them to endorse it. That's brilliant! I bet the guys at Burger King wish they'd thought of that.

Toronto mayor Rob Ford said he didn't mean to vote against naming a street after Nelson Mandela, that he was stretching at the wrong moment. I know that's possible; remember that Dick Van Dyke Show episode where Rob accidentally bought that ugly painting at an auction?

Oh, look, my tongue is in my cheek again: while defending her decision to perform in porn films to finance her Duke University education, a young coed explained that she's doing what a lot of young girls do, just on camera and for money. In other words, "Yes, Mother, if all the other girls were jumping off a bridge, I would, too."

I'm okay with being alone with this opinion: whenever I hear Nelly's "Must be the Honey" jingle for Honey Nut Cheerios, I'm reminded of the disco music that played during the chase scenes on Chips... it's just wrong.

There! I said it: Over 8,000 fans of How I Met Your Mother have signed an online petition to coerce the producers to reshoot the series finale with a different ending. Look, it wasn't the ending I wanted, either, but come on, it's time to let go and move on.

And now, a word that may or may not be directed at someone specific: yes, it is much bigger than a bread box, and no, you can't touch it. Sorry.

Agape' -- P