Friday, May 30, 2014

May 30, 2014

Ricky Martin was quoted as saying that he received so much support when he came out of the closet that he wishes he could do it all over again. Suggested translation? "I haven't been in the news for a while. Don't forget me."

I have doubts about a recent study that suggests intellectual people stay up late, and engage in recreational sex and drug use. If this was true, Mensa would be full of narcotics addicted insomniacs loaded down with STDs.

I was watching reruns of hit TV shows and wondering whatever happened to Kim Parsons, Joseph Marcell, Yvonne Strahovski, and David Hyde-Pierce. Then, I suddenly realized that Dancing With the Stars has the potential to go on indefinitely. Shudder.

This week, in a nursing home in China, 113-year-old Azatihan Sawuti married her boyfriend, 70-year-old Aimtl Ahemti  (what a cougar). There have been no announcements regarding whether the couple plans to start a family. Personally, I think they're trying to steal the thunder from Kim and Kanye.

Millions are mourning the death of poet Maya Angelou, who inspired so many people in her 86 years. She was one person who demonstrated the power of words.

Note to 50 Cent: Don't let people sweat you over that bad first pitch at last Tuesday's Mets game. The public were a lot rougher on Roseanne Barr, and everybody knew what her voice was like.

25-year-old Ukranian serial prankster Vitalii Sediuk was arrested last week after hitting Brad Pitt in the face at the premiere of the movie Maleficent. Sediuk's history of red carpet celebrity attacks includes trying to kiss Will Smith in 2012, crashing the stage at the 2013 Grammy Awards, burying his face in Bradley Cooper's crotch this past January, attempting to do the same to Leonardo DiCaprio in February, and shoving his head up America Ferrare's skirt in Cannes just last week. Will somebody tell this guy that there are more legal and less creepy ways to become famous these days? And how does he keep getting so close to these people?

Note to Gwyneth Paltrow: even of you truly believe the ridicule of celebrities on the Internet equates you to soldiers at war (really?), that was an opinion best kept to yourself. And the day after Memorial Day was the worst time to share it.

Note to Charlize Theron: even if you truly believe the press intrusion in the lives of celebrities equates you to the suffering of rape victims (really???)... see above note to Gwyneth Paltrow.

And now, a not that may be meant for someone in particular: yes, you have a right to wallow in self-pity. But those who really care about you have a right not to watch.

Agape' -- P

Friday, May 23, 2014

May 23, 2014

I wonder if the baby mamas, celebrity exes, and real housewives of the last century feel left out because there wasn't reality television around when they were relevant adjacent.

Have you ever noticed how often the concept of instinct is mentioned in retrospect?

The Krispy Kreme triple cheeseburger, to be unveiled at the upcoming San Diego County Fair, is basically three patties topped with cheese and sandwiched between two Krispy Kreme doughnuts. The dish is being offered by Chicken Charlie's, a California state fair staple that also sells deep fried Oreos and Klondike bars. The suggested companion defibrillator, however, costs extra.

Many think that it's abhorrent to put personal comfort ahead of the welfare of a friend... then they do it anyway.

A new study reveals that red wine contains cavity-fighting anti-microbial elements. The same elements can apparently be found in non-alcoholic grape seed oil, but in the words of one commentator: "Who cares?"

The next time a salesman tries to sell me something I neither want nor need, I'm going to tell him/her that I'm holding out for the upcoming new and improved model.

Daytime TV, stripper pole exercise classes, lawyers... a lot of industries owe a big thank you to free enterprise and the new "morality."

One of the unintentional benefits of social media is that no one has to work up the courage to ask anyone for their opinion.

There are mixed reactions to a California high school history teacher who posed for a picture in the school yearbook wearing a hoodie and holding a bag of Skittles candy, in what he called a political statement about the late Trayvon Martin. Some say he was just expressing himself, while some say it was inappropriate for the school yearbook. I just wonder if anyone will even remember his reason years from now.

Note that may be meant for someone in particular: I'm sorry that your fancy spring brunch had to end early. Next time, either hold it outdoors, or, if you insist on getting assistance from your fratboy son, ask him to slice the cheese.

Agape' -- P

Friday, May 16, 2014

May 16, 2014

I'm a little annoyed that Barbara Walters is retiring from television before she has had the chance to interview me, one of the most fascinating people she'd ever meet.

The wife of Donald Sterling, the disgraced owner of the L.A. Clippers, has suggested that his controversial remarks against Magic Johnson and other affluent black people, recently made during an interview with Anderson Cooper, may be attributed to dementia. I guess that explains why they'd let him be interviewed on television without a handler.

The real drama on this year's Billboard Music Awards will come later; sources say Robin Thicke will perform a new song, Get Her Back, as part of his effort to save his marriage to estranged wife Paula Patton. Will continuing to publicly expose his vulnerability do them any good? Maybe he should consult Tori Spelling, whose marital problems are currently the basis of her new reality show, True Tori.

A 34-year-old Texas woman has been arrested for posing as a 15-year-old student for nearly a year at a high school in Longview, Texas, while also working shifts at McDonald's, and dating a 23-year-old man who thought she was 18. She did, however, maintain good grades and was regarded as a well-behaved student. But Ii don't think she'll be attending the prom.

Ever since the attention garnered by the interracial family in the Cheerios ad campaign, have you noticed more, very subtle interracial couples in TV ads? Among them, I've seen a black man standing next to a white woman while grilling hot dogs with another couple, and a white man walking alongside a woman of color with her mixed-race children. Note that in both cases, the men had no lines, they were just background. Ah, times, they are a-changing.

Clay Aiken is officially the Democratic candidate for North Carolina Congress, since his opponent died this week. I guess that's one way to win.

A man collapsed while drinking at a bar in Chicago. While his companion called 911, another customer knelt beside the victim, offering to help... and picking his pocket. While an ambulance rushed the man (who turned out to be okay) to the hospital, the thief stole $100 from the wallet and used it to buy a round of drinks for everyone at the bar. A look at the surveillance tape exposed the thief, who now faces up to 5 years in prison. See? I always said drinking was dangerous.

I can't help but chuckle when people waste a lot of air explaining that they don't have the time or energy or interest in lending a hand that was never asked to help in the first pace.

Note to Solange Knowles: if elevator music makes you that crazy, just take the stairs.

And now, a message that may be directed to someone in particular: Orange Is the New Black is the name of a drama production, not any indication that your skintight sunshine colored jumpsuit is slimming. I'm sorry.

Agape' -- P

Friday, May 9, 2014

May 9, 2014

Just wondering: before she recently emerged from relative obscurity to make a statement that we should all move on from the scandal of her affair with the president over 10 years (and two administrations) ago, was anybody even thinking about Monica Lewinsky?

I was watching Gary Busey pretending (I hope) that he likes to talk to inanimate objects as part of an advertising for Kindle Fire TV, when I began to wonder, where would his career be if he hadn't had that brain injury?

With her recent plantation character bit on SNL, Leslie Jones joins a growing roster of comedians, including Gilbert Gottfried and Joan Rivers, who are proving that comedy is siubjective, and in today's social media, uber-sensitive culture, is under attack. But aren't there bigger things to worry about?

Isn't it ironic that Clay Aiken is running for Congress, when he didn't get enough votes to win American Idol?

I don't know how much money was spent on the research into social contagion, which recently revealed that friends of divorced people often end up divorced as well, but, apparently, they never heard the "birds of a feather" thing.

An inebriated twenty-something female passenger on a Virgin Atlantic flight from England to Las Vegas was so loud and offensive while with a stranger in the airplane lavatory that she had to be restrained in the seat next to her parents, who were also passengers, for the rest of the flight. I provide this story for people who disappoint their parents; who can now say to them: "See? I'm not the worst!"

An 8th grade schoolteacher in Southern California has come under fire after assigning his class to prove that the holocaust really occurred, and was not propaganda. But shouldn't a teacher encouraging students to establish facts and not drink the Kool-aid be appreciated?

There ave been several studies indicating that the blood transfusions from younger mice have helped reverse most effects of aging in older mice. However,the one glaring effect that could not be reversed? Death.

Note to Ben Affleck: sure, I'll play blackjack with you... but I'm leaving my wallet at home.

And now, a word that may be meant for someone in particular: no, I don't think a proper wedding toast should include the words: "A deal's a deal."

Agape' -- P

Friday, May 2, 2014

May 2, 2014

I'm not a bandwagon type. I have been mulling this over a while now. Although my decision puts me in the company with the Obamas, JayZ and Beyonce, I have to say I won't be attending the Kim/Kanye wedding.

Speaking of Kanye, he is reportedly releasing a 3-hour spoken word album which will feature his world views and feelings about life with Kim Kardashian and their baby North West. I finally have a legitimate reason to repeat this line I've heard in over a dozen movies: I got a bad feeling about this.

The English language is so complicated: the word pitiful means both someone who has pity, and (the definition more commonly used), someone who should be pitied (which is also the meaning of pitiable). The words inflammable and flammable mean the same thing, while the word invalid means the exact opposite of valid. I have a headache.

I was impressed with the gummy vitamin thing, until I realized more than one a day is bad for you. Now, when they come up with a daily dose as satisfying as a jumbo bag of jelly beans? I'm all over that!

I learned via Instagram that a friend of mine admires NBA-banned-for-life L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling. I won't be upset if you admire a racist. But don't announce it on Instagram, causing all my other friends to ask me about it. And don't bring one to my house. That's okay, right?

Some high-profile affluent people are expressing interest in buying the Clippers from Donald Sterling. The list includes Oprah Winfrey, Magic Johnson, Dr. Dre, and Floyd Mayweather. Some white millionaires have also expressed interest, but they barely made headlines.

A Texas middle-school teacher faces felony charges after allegedly giving a 15-year-old student a lap dance in front of the class on his birthday. Note to kids being home-schooled and hating it: it's stories like these that are louder to your parents than the sound of you complaining.

Look, my tongue is in my cheek again: I was going to make some joke speculating on the real reason Toronto mayor Bob Ford is taking a leave of absence, between a clinic that offers liposuction, or a lost weekend at a crack house. Then I found out that he is reportedly going into treatment for substance abuse. How dare he take steps to better himself and keep me from making fun of it.

Applies, strawberries, peaches, grapes, celery, spinach, cucumbers, nectarines, sweet bell peppers, cherry tomatoes, snap peas, and potatoes are all named on the annual report from the Environmental Working Group of dangerous foods testing positive for extreme pesticide residue. You see? This is why I eat more Twinkies than fruits and veggies.

And now, a word definitely meant for someone in particular: it's been a long time since our last hours-long Monday night chat, but now that you're going to be almost 500 miles away, I recall them vividly and fondly. Keep in touch, be happy, and you and your family will forever be part of my family. (Genesis 31:49)

Agape' -- P