September 27, 2013

You're never going to get where you want to be dwelling on the road you didn't take.

Former New England Patriot Brian Holloway discovered that teenagers broke into his vacation home and threw a wild party (complete with alcohol, weed, and meth), creating $20,000-$40,000 in property damage, and posted several pictures on social media. Holloway reposted a lot of the pictures on his own website. Now, some of the parents are threatening to sue because they believe the exposure could endanger the teenagers' chances of getting into college. Now that is nerve.

This is why I used to call these random thoughts: it occurs to me that before beatboxing became popular, fewer people were willing to spit into their hands in public.

Rihanna unknowingly put her life in danger last week by posing for this picture with a loris, an endangered Southeast Asian animal who carries a toxin that, when it comes into contact with humans, puts them into anaphylactic shock. Ironically, the picture was taken to promote Loris Awareness Week. Well done.

Butterball (no, I'm not referring to myself in the third person) is making history by hiring men to work the annual turkey hotline for the Thanksgiving holiday. Though I don't observe the holiday, the pressure it places on cooks mystifies me. Isn't turkey disasters the reason we have Asian restaurants and frozen pizzas?

Can you cite 'medical reasons' as an excuse to limit your exposure to people who make you sick?

I know that some people are calling New York Giants cornerback Prince Amukamar the "black Tim Tebow" because of his stand on chastity, but I'd be a little nervous being nicknamed after someone who got cut from his team after three games.

While I think actor James Franco's fake papparazzi photo campaign is a clever expression against media hype and a lack of privacy, I sure am glad we aren't friends.

When I was growing up, bad kids got whupped (not whipped, but certainly not spanked). The only spanking I knew of was a dance move from the disco era. Now spanks are compression undergarments. No wonder the English language is hard for so many people.

A bear walks into a bar. He's told to leave. He complies. It's no joke, it actually happened at this Alaska tavern. I guess they take that "No shirt,no shoes, no service" sign very seriously. Although, it didn't loo like there was much going on there; I probably would have gone, too.

Agape' -- P

September 20, 2013

My snack budget was low last week, and I couldn't decide between Cracker Jack, Fiddle Faddle, and Crunch 'n' Munch. The last time I had a headache like this was the Twizzler/Red Vines conundrum of 2010.

Look, Jaden Smith, you're not the first 15-year-old to think that school is dumb. But you're the first I've ever heard say that newborn babies would be the most intelligent beings on the planet if they could only talk. Mmmm... maybe it's not the school that's dumb.

It's official: the engagement between rising movie heartthrob Liam Helmsworth and marathon-twerking, teddy bear grinding, foam finger molesting, sledgehammer sucking, nude wrecking ball riding Miley Cyrus is officially over. Go figure.

While I'm as disturbed as the next person that Gwyneth Paltrow was awarded a motorcycle license days after a video went viral of her cutting off a school bus while riding a Vespa with her child on the seat behind her (almost giving new meaning to the term "road Apple"), what I found most shocking was that, in Hollywood, you're allowed to retake your license picture if you want. This is an outrage!

The British town of Northampton is currently being freaked out by repeated sightings of a man standing around dressed as a clown. See? That's what I like bringing to you: stories about people with real problems.

It would not surprise me one bit to find out that every male courtroom judge and TV news anchor has at least once tried, or at least fantasized about, spending a day doing their job without any pants.

A Chicago woman is suing Epic restaurant for $50,000 after one of her breast implants deflated during the night, allegedly because of a hug from the restaurant's doorman, a former college football lineman who weighs about 300 pounds. I don't buy it; a real man would've gotten both sides.

There should be a law against promoting your restaurant's great delivery service in areas where you refuse to deliver. Are you listening, Domino's, Pizza Hut, Papa John's, and Jimmy John's?

Did you know that September 19 was International Talk Like A Pirate Day? I don't think a lot of people remembered, because nobody talked like a pirate to me.

New York City's plan to replace their taxis with Nissan's "Taxi of Tomorrow" has brought up a lot of questions: will the roomier, more comfortable vehicles cause a hike in fares? Since the vehicle is technically a van, will accommodations for the disabled be mandatory? But I have yet to hear the obvious question: will people of color be able to ride them?

Agape' -- P

September 13, 2013

Should we feel sorry for people who have two faces, but only one head?

Okay, I'm all for using fame to provide mass responsible health advice, but is anybody going to drink an extra glass of water each day just because Michelle Obama says we should?

There is an often-used argument that marijuana should be legal because there are more tragedies due to alcohol than there are due to smoking weed. But unless you somehow factor in that a lot of people are turning to alcohol instead of weed because weed is illegal, do those statistics tell an accurate story?

By the way, I don't use marijuana; my cravings for Funyuns come naturally. But I just heard someone defend the use of marijuana for police and medical personnel because of job-related stress. Is it just me, or is that scary?

I'm going to break a promise I never mentioned by posting a link to this video about twerking. Thanks, Jimmy Kimmel.

Reactions are mixed about the mother who used public humiliation to punish her 11-year-old daughter for twerking at a school dance after being told not to. I don't have an opinion on the punishment, but the outfit your daughter chose for the punishment is a huge red flag.

See, Miley Cyrus? You put out videos with you riding naked on a wrecking ball just causes reactions like this!

Burger King is selling a new burger with french fries on it. Wow, what a concept. And here I thought selling frozen PB&J sandwiches was a dunb idea.

I'm not always big on pranks, but I love this ad campaign for LG.

I got a headache this week, trying to choose between Cracker Jack, Crunch & Munch, and Fiddle Faddle.

Agape' -- P

September 6, 2013

There's an old saying that goes, "A man who isn't thankful for one dollar wouldn't appreciate a million of them." As much as I agree with that, I wouldn't mind a chance to prove it. Just throwing that out there.

Before we take action, it's important to examine whether our motivation comes from pain or misery, because we can easily hide a destructive objective, even from ourselves.

It's unfair to remain angry with someone without telling them what they did. On the other hand, sometimes, telling them is counterproductive. That's when you just let it go.

Most of the people in our lives are there because we share family, or one or two interests, or some shared consequence, like where we live, learn, work, or worship. It's very rare when someone in our lives would be there just because we both want them there.

Fred Stobaugh, 96, submitted "Oh, Sweet Lorraine", a poem he'd written about his recently deceased wife of 75 years, into a writing competition in Illinois. Fred didn't win the competition, but his story made it onto the Internet, which led to singer Jacob Corgan recording the song, which has led to more than 100,000 copies of the tearjerker being sold on iTunes (dwarfing the sales numbers of the latest singles by Justin Timberlake and Miley Cyrus), and tons of lucrative licensing offers, one ore than $100,000. Now that's a positive story of the power of the Internet.

Congratulations to competitive eater Joey Chestnut, who suffered a crushing defeat last month by rival Matt Stonie during a Gyoza eating competition, but reclaimed his title at a Rib fest in Reno, NV, by consuming 13.76 pounds of ribs in 12 minutes (Stonie finished at 11.2 pounds). When it comes to sports, you can have your football, basketball, and hockey... this sounds like my event.

It was all over the news this week: Kim Kardashian is now a blonde. I have been trying to form my opinion, and now I can say without a shadow of a doubt: I don't care.

On the other had, having seen the commercial a gazilion times, I have decided what I would do for a Klondike bar: go to the store and buy them (they come in a pack of six).

I could only think of one word when I saw this picture: adorable.

Agape' -- P

August 30, 2013

Imperfection is proof that we need growth, not an excuse to avoid it.

She is adorable, but does anyone else see a resemblance between baby North West and the late, beloved comic legend Jonathan Winters?

As selfish as it sounds, caring for someone is a great way to remind ourselves why it's better to not have a heart of stone.

Maybe I've put too much thought into this, but I think Maude's Florida Evans was a lot hipper than Good Times' Florida Evans.

The 50th anniversary of Martin Luther King's "I Have a Dream" speech was this past Wednesday. A lot of things have changed regarding what people are and are not permitted to do, but not necessarily what people do and do not want to do.

After watching N-Sync's less-than-two-minute reunion at the 2013 MTV VMAs, I couldn't help wondering: would I give, say, my plumber, a hard time, if he couldn't snake a drain as well as he used to, after 10 years of retirement?

Speaking of the VMAs, there is a very, very, very thin line between the freedom of artistic expression, and the decision to abandon good taste. I am now calling that line: Miley Cyrus. By the way, Miley: the word 'twerk' has been officially added to the Oxford dictionary. Happy now? So, as a censored Madea would say, "Girl, time to sit your behind down."

New York mayoral candidate and selfie scandal center Anthony Weiner is denying allegations that the crowds of supporters at his recent public appearances are actually paid performers hired to camouflage his waning popularity. Now that's humiliating.

Former U.S. Army soldier Bradley Manning, convicted of espionage after leaking 750,000 pages of classified documents to the anti-secrecy group WikiLeaks, was sentenced to 35 years in prison. The following day, he announced that he wants to become a woman. That's some interesting timing.

The Google Play store no longer carries the Brazilian Android app Rastreador de Namorado, which translated, means "Boyfriend Tracker". The app, which tracks people via their cell phones, was marketed toward women suspicious of their boyfriend's fidelity. I guess women who'd rather use technology to stalk their men will have to rely on the black market (because you know the app is still available there).

Agape' -- P

August 23, 2013

I think we need a dictionary to translate politespeak; it seems there are still some people who haven't learned that the phrase "personal reasons" means "none of your doggone business."

At first, I thought those commercials for E-Harmony where the company president keeps walking in on dates with the couples they've successfully matched was very charming. Then, I began to wonder: can't they find somebody for him so that he could leave these couples alone?

Dr. Phil caused a lot of controversy by tweeting the question "Is it okay to have sex with a woman when she's drunk?" Shouldn't he know this?

A former intern is suing Bad Boy Productions for back pay; a recent California law says that interns should be paid, but this woman is complaining that her job duties were answering phones, running errands, and decorating the office for parties. Somebody explain to this woman what office interns are supposed to do.

A veteran of the Iraq war who suffers from PTSD is suing KFC because he was refused service because he was accompanied by a service dog. While this lawsuit should make a difference in the discrimination against the disabled, the fact that he was a war veteran will probably give it national attention, right?

There's something very sad about overlooking the roses at your feet just because they're surrounded by weeds.

I understand Madonna's obsession with youth, but the money she spent on her new grill is a waste, in my opinion. She'll just have to spend even more in a few years when she has to buy dentures.

Respecting our limitations means knowing what they really are.

A Park Avenue eye surgeon is looking for someone who can get him a date with a white female Ivy League graduate between the ages of 27 and 35, who wears a dress size between 0 and 2, and rates 8 or higher on a 1 to 10 scale of attractiveness. He promises a reward of $100 for the first date, either $200 or free eyelash enhancement for the second date, $300 or free Botox for the third, $400 or free Juvederm injections for the fourth, and $500 or free Lasek surgery on one eye for a fifth date. Of course, those prizes are for the matchmaker. The woman gets the ultimate prize: the surgeon. Just when you thought romance was dead.

4-year-old Bobby Tufts recently began his second term as mayor of Dorset, Minnesota, following re-election. I think that about says it all, don't you?

Agape' -- P

August 16, 2013

They say no one is an island, but let's face it, some people should be. And sometimes, some people want to be.

The racial discrimination charges against Paula Deen were dropped when it was revealed that the plaintiff, Lisa Jackson, is also white, and therefore, was not a victim. I can't help wondering why nobody  noticed this before. 

Since a year-old picture surfaced featuring a naked Justin Bieber holding a guitar (which he made as a birthday greeting for his grandmother! (how's she supposed to show that to her friends?)), it has become a viral trend called "Biebering". Why does Bieber get the credit, instead of this Times Square tourist attraction?

Prince just joined Twitter. Are you going to follow him? He's been known to party like it's 1999.

For years, I've said that the Devil doesn't care who he uses to hurt us. But he does; it's more effective when he uses someone we love and/or trust.

It takes self-control to avoid profanity. Because sometimes the combination of certain consonants feels so right.

As a food lover, I'm having trouble deciding which junk food craze intrigues me more: cro-nuts or pretzel buns.

President Obama was ridiculed for stating that the next generation's definition of success is being influenced by celebrities like the Kardashians; after all, the president had celebrity support during his campaign. But does that make him wrong?

I'd like to introduce a synonym for racism into the lexicon: how about ethnophobia?

A new trend is sweeping China: dressing children in watermelon rinds. Okay, they're really adorable, and it may be refreshing due to the current heat wave there, but are there no flies or bees in China?

Agape' -- P