May 16, 2014

I'm a little annoyed that Barbara Walters is retiring from television before she has had the chance to interview me, one of the most fascinating people she'd ever meet.

The wife of Donald Sterling, the disgraced owner of the L.A. Clippers, has suggested that his controversial remarks against Magic Johnson and other affluent black people, recently made during an interview with Anderson Cooper, may be attributed to dementia. I guess that explains why they'd let him be interviewed on television without a handler.

The real drama on this year's Billboard Music Awards will come later; sources say Robin Thicke will perform a new song, Get Her Back, as part of his effort to save his marriage to estranged wife Paula Patton. Will continuing to publicly expose his vulnerability do them any good? Maybe he should consult Tori Spelling, whose marital problems are currently the basis of her new reality show, True Tori.

A 34-year-old Texas woman has been arrested for posing as a 15-year-old student for nearly a year at a high school in Longview, Texas, while also working shifts at McDonald's, and dating a 23-year-old man who thought she was 18. She did, however, maintain good grades and was regarded as a well-behaved student. But Ii don't think she'll be attending the prom.

Ever since the attention garnered by the interracial family in the Cheerios ad campaign, have you noticed more, very subtle interracial couples in TV ads? Among them, I've seen a black man standing next to a white woman while grilling hot dogs with another couple, and a white man walking alongside a woman of color with her mixed-race children. Note that in both cases, the men had no lines, they were just background. Ah, times, they are a-changing.

Clay Aiken is officially the Democratic candidate for North Carolina Congress, since his opponent died this week. I guess that's one way to win.

A man collapsed while drinking at a bar in Chicago. While his companion called 911, another customer knelt beside the victim, offering to help... and picking his pocket. While an ambulance rushed the man (who turned out to be okay) to the hospital, the thief stole $100 from the wallet and used it to buy a round of drinks for everyone at the bar. A look at the surveillance tape exposed the thief, who now faces up to 5 years in prison. See? I always said drinking was dangerous.

I can't help but chuckle when people waste a lot of air explaining that they don't have the time or energy or interest in lending a hand that was never asked to help in the first pace.

Note to Solange Knowles: if elevator music makes you that crazy, just take the stairs.

And now, a message that may be directed to someone in particular: Orange Is the New Black is the name of a drama production, not any indication that your skintight sunshine colored jumpsuit is slimming. I'm sorry.

Agape' -- P

May 9, 2014

Just wondering: before she recently emerged from relative obscurity to make a statement that we should all move on from the scandal of her affair with the president over 10 years (and two administrations) ago, was anybody even thinking about Monica Lewinsky?

I was watching Gary Busey pretending (I hope) that he likes to talk to inanimate objects as part of an advertising for Kindle Fire TV, when I began to wonder, where would his career be if he hadn't had that brain injury?

With her recent plantation character bit on SNL, Leslie Jones joins a growing roster of comedians, including Gilbert Gottfried and Joan Rivers, who are proving that comedy is siubjective, and in today's social media, uber-sensitive culture, is under attack. But aren't there bigger things to worry about?

Isn't it ironic that Clay Aiken is running for Congress, when he didn't get enough votes to win American Idol?

I don't know how much money was spent on the research into social contagion, which recently revealed that friends of divorced people often end up divorced as well, but, apparently, they never heard the "birds of a feather" thing.

An inebriated twenty-something female passenger on a Virgin Atlantic flight from England to Las Vegas was so loud and offensive while with a stranger in the airplane lavatory that she had to be restrained in the seat next to her parents, who were also passengers, for the rest of the flight. I provide this story for people who disappoint their parents; who can now say to them: "See? I'm not the worst!"

An 8th grade schoolteacher in Southern California has come under fire after assigning his class to prove that the holocaust really occurred, and was not propaganda. But shouldn't a teacher encouraging students to establish facts and not drink the Kool-aid be appreciated?

There ave been several studies indicating that the blood transfusions from younger mice have helped reverse most effects of aging in older mice. However,the one glaring effect that could not be reversed? Death.

Note to Ben Affleck: sure, I'll play blackjack with you... but I'm leaving my wallet at home.

And now, a word that may be meant for someone in particular: no, I don't think a proper wedding toast should include the words: "A deal's a deal."

Agape' -- P

May 2, 2014

I'm not a bandwagon type. I have been mulling this over a while now. Although my decision puts me in the company with the Obamas, JayZ and Beyonce, I have to say I won't be attending the Kim/Kanye wedding.

Speaking of Kanye, he is reportedly releasing a 3-hour spoken word album which will feature his world views and feelings about life with Kim Kardashian and their baby North West. I finally have a legitimate reason to repeat this line I've heard in over a dozen movies: I got a bad feeling about this.

The English language is so complicated: the word pitiful means both someone who has pity, and (the definition more commonly used), someone who should be pitied (which is also the meaning of pitiable). The words inflammable and flammable mean the same thing, while the word invalid means the exact opposite of valid. I have a headache.

I was impressed with the gummy vitamin thing, until I realized more than one a day is bad for you. Now, when they come up with a daily dose as satisfying as a jumbo bag of jelly beans? I'm all over that!

I learned via Instagram that a friend of mine admires NBA-banned-for-life L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling. I won't be upset if you admire a racist. But don't announce it on Instagram, causing all my other friends to ask me about it. And don't bring one to my house. That's okay, right?

Some high-profile affluent people are expressing interest in buying the Clippers from Donald Sterling. The list includes Oprah Winfrey, Magic Johnson, Dr. Dre, and Floyd Mayweather. Some white millionaires have also expressed interest, but they barely made headlines.

A Texas middle-school teacher faces felony charges after allegedly giving a 15-year-old student a lap dance in front of the class on his birthday. Note to kids being home-schooled and hating it: it's stories like these that are louder to your parents than the sound of you complaining.

Look, my tongue is in my cheek again: I was going to make some joke speculating on the real reason Toronto mayor Bob Ford is taking a leave of absence, between a clinic that offers liposuction, or a lost weekend at a crack house. Then I found out that he is reportedly going into treatment for substance abuse. How dare he take steps to better himself and keep me from making fun of it.

Applies, strawberries, peaches, grapes, celery, spinach, cucumbers, nectarines, sweet bell peppers, cherry tomatoes, snap peas, and potatoes are all named on the annual report from the Environmental Working Group of dangerous foods testing positive for extreme pesticide residue. You see? This is why I eat more Twinkies than fruits and veggies.

And now, a word definitely meant for someone in particular: it's been a long time since our last hours-long Monday night chat, but now that you're going to be almost 500 miles away, I recall them vividly and fondly. Keep in touch, be happy, and you and your family will forever be part of my family. (Genesis 31:49)

Agape' -- P

April 25, 2014

Some people have expressed dissatisfaction that George Clooney was not included in People magazine's annual 50 Beautiful People issue. It doesn't bother me, because I was overlooked again, too.

Four words that no one wants to see on a restaurant or theatre invitation: "Keep an open mind."

I think it's hilarious that, the older I get, the less I care about people concerned with how old I get.

Memo to Jon Hamm: I agree, it's insulting that, despite all your hard work, people seem more interested in knowing whether or not you're wearing underwear. But lest you forget, this is a culture where releasing sex tapes is considered a career move.

Sometimes I'm glad I don't know everything that's going on; I just found out that 4/20 is annually observed by some weed enthusiasts who celebrate with over-indulgence. Of course, food enthusiasts have to hide their day of indulgence behind an annual commemoration of taking territory from native Americans. Where's the balance?

Tennessee police were searching a 19-year-old woman who had been arrested for driving without a license when they found a 4-inch loaded pistol hidden in her, um, lady parts (would you rather I call it a vajayjay?). I find the story fascinating; why did she keep it loaded? How was she planning to use it?

Granted, the story about the teenage runaway who stowed away in the wheel well of an airplane and flew from California to Hawaii is compelling. But in this day and age of terrorist threats, airline security, and TSA, this kind of news story just sounds like a challenge to certain people who don't need the inspiration.

I agree that Joan Rivers' joke about the three Cleveland kidnap victims ("that they got to live rent-free for a year") was insensitive. But I also understand why, as a comic, it would affect her image to apologize. For some, jokes about the story will always be "too soon."

It isn't fair, I know, but I'm not as worried about the reported shortage of limes as I was about last year's reported shortage of bacon.

And now, a word that may be meant for someone in particular: sure, some will respond favorably to pandering, but I'm insulted when you imply I won't patronize your establishment because you also serve someone who isn't like me.

Agape' -- P

April 18, 2014

The last 'milestone' birthday most people look forward to is the one where you can legally drunk. Coincidence? I think not.

A 14-year-old girl made news last week after tweeting a false terrorism threat to American Airlines using the handle @QueenDemetriax_. The prank led to thousands of copycat threats from other Twitter users, the girl's arrest, and national attention. It also provides a new measure of idiocy: there's stupid, and there's @QueenDemetriax_ stupid.

Memo to Nancy Grace: Owen Hart died in front of millions during a WWE live event, not from drug abuse. Google a man before you traumatize his family.

Memo to Kate Upton: I'm sorry you're unhappy with them, but to quote Teri Hatcher, I bet "they're real, and they're spectacular."

Memo to those who want it all: appreciating a glass that's half full doesn't mean you won't keep trying for a full glass, but half full beats empty every time.

Talented people should receive recognition for their hard work. But between the Oscars, the Grammies, the People's Choice, the AMA's, the MTV movie awards, et cetera, et cetera... is there really an award season anymore? Pretty soon, we'll have the 15th-week-of-the-year awards. Maybe it's a collaborative conspiracy between fashion designers and the people who weave and sell red carpets.

The one who should be agonizing over your misery is the one who caused it. So don't waste your time when you could be choosing the brighter side.

A photo of Kate Middleton wearing a new Diane von Furstenberg wrap dress went viral. Within minutes, stores sold out of it. In a similar story, an increase in sales of a Glacier Bay curved shower rod has been directly attributed to the trailer of a video soon to be released by Vivid Entertainment, featuring reality TV star Mimi Faust, whose bodyweight was impressively supported by said shower rod. I guess it pays to advertise.

An Italian woman three months into her fertility-clinic-implanted pregnancy was recently informed that she was accidentally implanted with embryos that belong to another client. I can't wait to see the review she posts on Yelp.

And now, a word that may or may not be meant for anyone in particular: I don't care if it is considered classic, you're too old to be calling strangers and asking if their refrigerator's running.

Agape' -- P

April 11, 2014

There! I said it: I know I'm getting old; I have fond memories of the days when you could like something without social media.

Actor Rob Lowe explained in a recent interview that beautiful people suffer from discrimination because of their appearance. I'm so glad someone is finally revealing what we go through.

A man is suing the New York nursing home where his mother lives, after a male exotic dancer performed there. During an interview with TMZ, the man repeatedly asserted that his mother is a black woman who suffered extreme emotional harm when the white male dancer performed standing over her, as evidenced by a photograph the man released to the press, showing his mother stuffing cash into the dancer's shorts. But the lawsuit is not about the $10,000,000 for which he is suing; it's about her dignity. Meanwhile, there is an unconfirmed report of a long waiting list for seniors who want to move into the hone.

No, it's not an SNL sketch: I was first creeped out by the video of the man practicing horse yoga, until I thought about how confusing this must be for horses who see it.

There have been reports of Smart cars being tipped over in the San Francisco area (I guess it's more humane than tipping cows). One way to avoid being victimized is not to leave your Smart car parked on the street; instead, take it inside with you.

Pro wrestler Jim Hellwig, 54, who legally changed his name to Warrior years ago, collapsed and died this week, only days after being inducted into World Wrestling Entertainment's Hall of Fame. There has been no correlation drawn between the two events, although it makes a sobering statement about reaching for your dreams.

Boston firefighters battling an eight-alarm blaze were hampered by an illegally parked BMW that blocked the nearby fire hydrant. They had no choice but to smash the car windows to thread their hose through the car to reach the hydrant. People may forget parking tickets, but I doubt the owner of this car will park illegally again.

It has been suggested that chimps who escaped from their enclosure at the Kansas City zoo by constructing a ladder from tree branches have proven an evolutionary link between primates and humans. I disagree. Those apes showed a lot more resourcefulness and energy than I would have.

A beekeeper in Southwest China spent 40 minutes with his body covered with more than 460,000 living bees, to promote his honey selling business. The "suit" of bees weighed 100 pounds, and he received more than 20 bee stings during the stunt. My advice? Dude, hire an ad agency.

And now, a word that may or may not be meant for anyone in particular: when you find yourself repeating the same stories, especially if most of the people in your story are dead, it's time to think about having new experiences and creating new stories.

Agape' -- P

April 4, 2014

One of the first steps on the road to relative happiness and contentment is forgetting how to whine.

Okay, I admit it: I laugh my head off watching videos of TV news bloopers. But at least I stopped checking the dictionary for cuss words.

It's not that I don't enjoy movies based on Bible stories (if they're accurate), but it's always a little sad when I hear someone wondering about the plot.

I take back what I said about missing Jamie Lee Curtis and Reba McEntire on those Activia commercials. I'd much rather watch Shakira's ribcage while she dances in a grass skirt.

Speaking of advertising, have you seen the campaign Taco Bell has for its new breakfast menu? They rounded up a bunch of guys named Ronald McDonald (there are some mean parents out there), and paid them to endorse it. That's brilliant! I bet the guys at Burger King wish they'd thought of that.

Toronto mayor Rob Ford said he didn't mean to vote against naming a street after Nelson Mandela, that he was stretching at the wrong moment. I know that's possible; remember that Dick Van Dyke Show episode where Rob accidentally bought that ugly painting at an auction?

Oh, look, my tongue is in my cheek again: while defending her decision to perform in porn films to finance her Duke University education, a young coed explained that she's doing what a lot of young girls do, just on camera and for money. In other words, "Yes, Mother, if all the other girls were jumping off a bridge, I would, too."

I'm okay with being alone with this opinion: whenever I hear Nelly's "Must be the Honey" jingle for Honey Nut Cheerios, I'm reminded of the disco music that played during the chase scenes on Chips... it's just wrong.

There! I said it: Over 8,000 fans of How I Met Your Mother have signed an online petition to coerce the producers to reshoot the series finale with a different ending. Look, it wasn't the ending I wanted, either, but come on, it's time to let go and move on.

And now, a word that may or may not be directed at someone specific: yes, it is much bigger than a bread box, and no, you can't touch it. Sorry.

Agape' -- P