March 28, 2014

 So, drunks are now referred to as overserved, and, according to Gwyneth Paltrow, a marital breakup is a conscious uncoupling. When will somebody come up with a politically correct term for fat guys?


A 33-year-old man in Tampa was caught on camera flipping off a woman he'd been tailgating on a rain-slicked Florida highway seconds before spinning off the road and into a light pole. Because no one was hurt, I'd like to just express this on behalf of patient drivers everywhere: ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Reportedly, 5% of Americans suffer from electromagnetic hypersensitivity (which is not nearly as sensational a name as WiFi allergy). A number of sufferers have settled in Green Bank, West Virginia,where WiFi is banned to prevent interference with telescopes. It is for people like this that snail male, land telephone lines, and printed newspapers still exist,

An 18-year-old Georgia man will face legal action of he can't return the $31,000 accidentally deposited into his account via a banking error that had gone undetected for 10 days. The problem is, during those 10 days, the young man spent $25,000 of the money.

According to designer Tommy Hilfiger, David Beckham is the underwear model of the century. Hey, Ragboy, we're only 14 years into the century. That gives me 86 years to change your mind.

Know how, in the movies, inmates just start drooling with revenge when the cop or district attorney who bested them gets thrown into the prison with them? When I heard about Judge Joe Brown's contempt of court arrest this week, that was all I could think about.

 

Thankfully, no one was fatally injured when a train operator fell asleep and drove a blue line train into Chicago's O'Hare airport. Otherwise, I couldn't tell this joke: What did the escalator say to the luggage carousel? "Excuse me, I have to catch a train."

How come when I hear that a movie, album, restaurant or TV show promoted as "the one everybody's talking about", usually, nobody I know is actually talking about it?

A teenage carjacker in Omaha who was out on bail is back in jail after getting caught trying to steal another car at gunpoint this week. What thwarted his plans? He couldn't drive a stick shift. See? Another reason to keep auto shop courses in the public school curriculum..

And now, a word that may or may not be directed at someone specific: maybe you haven't asked because you're afraid the right answer is no.

Agape' -- P

March 21, 2014

A 9-year-old boy in North Carolina was reportedly bulliedby classmates when he brought a My Little Pony lunchbox to school. When school officials responded by banning the lunch box because it "encourages bullying", the story made headlines, and the boy is getting tremendous public support. So far, though, no word from the Bronies.

A South Carolina man physically attacked a fellow diner at a Taco Bell because he didn't hear the man say, "Excuse me", after he belched. How rude.

Unless Chris Brown's attorney, Mark Geragos, can convince the victim in his assault case to settle out of court before his late April court date, Brown, will remain in jail, now that he has been ejected from rehab for rules violations. Imagine the level of his anger management issues after a month of jail time.

I recently watched someone spend an hour checking the Facebook pages of several relatives, looking for updates about another family member who's ill. Does anyone remember the days before Facebook, when you had to actually pick up a telephone and call somebody?

Why are Jamie Lee Curtis and Reba McEntire no longer featured on Activia yogurt commercials? Are they no longer constipated?

Speaking of truth in advertising: my friend licked her Timex, and it did keep on ticking. Take that, John Mayer.

The White House pastry chef says he resigned to live in New York with his husband, not because of allegations that Michelle Obama is banning fattening desserts in the White House. But the truth doesn't make a money making headline.

Which is more disturbing, watching people celebrate the death of anyone, even the controversial founder of the Westboro Baptist Church Fred Phelps, or hearing people attribute the concept of loving your enemies to Dr. King instead of Jesus Christ?

Actor Russell Crowe is reportedly going to great lengths to get the pope to screen his latest film, Noah. Will someone please assure him that the pontiff probably knows the plot?

And now, a word that may be meant for a specific someone: when someone tells so many lies that people can't pick a favorite even for their own amusement, that's a bad thing.

Agape' -- P

March 14, 2014

Justin Bieber may have been trying to appear aloof and superior during his rude behavior while being deposed in a lawsuit regarding one of his bodyguards attacking a paparazzo. However, he just ended up looking like an obnoxious, disrespectful brat. I don't remember a moment where I wished harder for Judge Judy or Judge Joe Brown to pimp slap someone.

A number of successful women, including Beyonce, and Facebook CEO Sheryl Sandberg are campaigning to ban the word bossy, ostensibly because of a belief that young girls will avoid reaching for leadership roles out of fear of being considered bossy. Personally, I think it'd be better to teach young girls to do their best no matter what anybody calls them, but that's just me.

A law has been drafted in New Jersey that would allow expectant fathers to be kept out of the delivery room during childbirth at the discretion of the expectant mother. I have yet to hear any men complain about this.

Portland police rescued a couple, their 7-month-old baby, and their dog, who were being held hostage by their 22-pound cat, who had a history of violent behavior. The couple plan to keep their cat (who has also scratched their baby), and are reportedly arranging for therapy for the cat. I feel the need to confirm that this is a true story, and not a skit on Saturday Night Live.

A model has filed a $500,000 lawsuit against Playboy magazine and a comedian for injuries she suffered during a photo shoot in which the comedian drove a golf ball off a tee nestled between her butt cheeks. I feel the need to confirm that this is also a true story, and not one of David Letterman's Stupid Human Tricks.

Since when is "that's a personal question" not a good enough answer, but "I just want to know" a good enough reaason?

How's this for something I can't think without laughing? "Rocky: The Musical."

Imagine my disappointment when I found out today, 3/14, was "Pi" day, not "pie" day.

Have you seen the Party Popper by Beggin Strips? It's a 10 ounce container with a plunger on top for propelling the doggie treats into the air, tons of fun for your dog. Or you can save $9 and just throw them.

And now, a message that may or may not be for anyone specific: sure, you can behave with little character and seem to avoid suffering for now, but you'll have to live with yourself in the end. Is it worth it?

Agape'-- P

March 7, 2014

There's nothing like a reunion with loved ones to bring warmth and sunshine into a cold, gloomy day.

An 18-year-old honor student is suing her parents for her college tuition. Ironically, the daughter is calling her parents spoiled. Another attorney has filed a defamation lawsuit against a court-appointed psychologist who labelled him "wholly incapable" of caring for his 4-year-old son simply because the father wouldn't take him to McDonald's. Does anyone remember when there was some kind of honor to the legal profession?

Ellen Degeneres posted a cell phone picture of herself and a number of celebrities from the Oscars Sunday night, and the picture (which, by the way, is not technically a selfie, no matter how many people call it that) has been creditted with bringing down Twitter. But it's an interesting comment on celebrity that the highlight of the Oscars was when Ellen had pizza delivered to the audience. For the first time, I wished I'd been there.

The world's oldest living person, who turned 116 this week, credits her longevity to eating and sleeping. That does it: from now on, I'll be taking all my meals in bed. I hope all the guests to my future dinner parties don't mind.

What does it mean that accident statistics generate warnings against no-brainer dangers like texting and driving, but with all the divorces, jail sentences, and tragedies, they're still finding people willing to go on "reality" TV?

Maybe it is better to be square, if all it takes to be cool is saying things like "Allrat, allrat, allrat".

More and more men are reportedly paying plastic surgeons as much as $8500 to have hair surgically transferred from other parts of their body (such as hair and back) to their faces. But what about guys who can't grow hair on those places either? Perhaps the rest of us can save our shavings and sell them. The scary part is that I can see it happening.

When the cast list for next season's Dancing With the Stars was announced this week, did you think the same thing I did? "Dancing With the Stars is still on the air?"

The lab report that FilmOn.com CEO Alki David produced to prove that 31-year-old performer Brandon Howard is the son of the late Michael Jackson has been exposed as not only a fake, but a poorly constructed fake. Again, stupid lies are just adding insult to injury. Meanwhile, Brandon tells the press that he wants nothing from the estate of Michael Jackson. I assume all this publicity was enough.

And now, a word that may or may not be directed to someone in particular: yes, there really is such a thing as a crap weasel, and no, being called one is nota compliment.

Agape' -- P